Tag Archives: Teens and sex

FOUR PARENTING TIPS ABOUT LOVE AND LUST

Love as portrayed in popular culture is often merely lust in disguise. How can you teach your teen the importance of knowing the difference?

The media and Hollywood add to the confusion between love and lust.

The media creates confusion  between love and lust. Parents need to start early to help teens learn to handle both in healthy ways.

When I see teens in love, I always think of Annie’s Song as sung by John Denver. To me these lines,in particular, capture the very essence of young love:

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest,
Like the mountains in springtime,
Like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the desert,
Like a sleepy blue ocean.
You fill up my senses, come fill me again.

Do you remember the feeling? I do. I was lucky and lived when it was a bit easier to be a teenager in love.  The new sexual freedoms, mainly brought about by better contraception and treatment of sexually transmitted diseases, have been both a blessing and a curse.

The curse lies in on-going confusion about sex’s place in our lives.  If we as a society haven’t figured it out, why expect our youth to?

Confusing lust and love, particularly as promoted by the visual media has probably lead to our burgeoning divorce rate.  Sad and not a useful model for our youth, but it is what it is.  What can a parent do?  Here are my tips:

fOUR PARENTING TIPS ABOUT LOVE AND LUST

Tip one:  Know and abide by your rules of responsible sex. Live within the honor code you want your kids to live within.

Tip two:  Promote intercourse as adult behavior and subject to the following rules:

No exploitation; no hidden expectations;  planned, which means talked about openly between both parties;  never talked about publically;  protected; both parties accept responsibility for actions and outcomes.

Tip three: Helps to start early noting the pleasure found in sensual experiences – the taste of chocolate, the feel of silk, the delight of a scratched back. At the same time, one needs to talk about friendship, loyalty, shared interests, in other words the stuff of long-lasting relationships.

Tip four:  As your child grows and watches media stuff, be there to comment. The media has become another parent and not always a useful one, particularly when it comes to teaching about sex and relationships.  Wise parents will use the media as an important tool for teaching the rules of life.

I posted earlier about the lessons that could be learned from “Beauty and the Beast.”   If you haven’t read that post, now might be the time to do so.

STAY STRONG

Life is a struggle, relationships hard, raising good kids in today’s world harder than ever.  For more reading on this topic, try my book  ‘When Good Kids Have Sex‘ might also be relevant. 

Remember, if you like this post comment or  share. If you don’t like it, tell me why.  Your opinion, as well as your kindness, matters a great deal to me. 

Katherine

For more reading try Parents Are People Too: An Emotional Fitness Training Program for ParentsP or When Good Kids Get you in A Gotcha War.

IS YOUR TEEN IN LOVE? ARE YOU TERRIFIED?

Is your teen finding love in all the wrong places? Or so you think?

Used in a blog post about young love

IMAGE BY FLICKRIVER.COM  My all time favorite Romantic Film. Young love in all its innocence and power. A cautionary tale for all parents.

Whether right or wrong, this time the ball is in your court, and the wisest among you will keep your doubts close to your heart and work to love who your teen loves, even if you feel sure they’re not right for each other.

I count myself many times blessed that my parents let me love my first love, and  let me think they loved him as I did. In actual fact they didn’t; my parents lived in fear we would marry.

My parents eloped and I wonder now if their wise handling of my boyfriend  came from that experience. Perhaps my mother’s parents tried too hard to separate them.  My father was an orphan, a lowly news-reporter; she was a member of the town’s aristocracy, her father a judge.

My parent’s marriage was the only one of her generation to endure. They were  happier than most, although it was always clear my father had the greater love.

I would not have been so happy with my first love. I know that now but there was no telling me back then.  My parents asked me to do two years of college before announcing an engagement.  My first love joined the Army and was sent to see the world.  After a year, he wrote a Dear Jane letter. I wept, but survived, older and wiser. It would be ten years until I married, but a man much more suited to me and my needs.

PARENT ADVICE WHEN A TEEN LOVES IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Tip one: It is truly out of you hands and I have already given the best advice I can. Learn to love the one your teen loves. Any arguments against your teen’s loved one will plant the roots of the relationship in cement.

Tip two: Try to see the needs being met. Good girls are known to have fantasies of reforming bad boys.  I felt strongly I was the only one who saw my first love’s good qualities. I understood him and no one else did.  Such feelings create  a powerful attraction and strong bond.  He greatly appreciated being loved by a good girl.

It is less clear that bad boys want to have their better beings cared about and nurtured, but that is a part of the Beauty and the Beast story.

http://theconcordian.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Beauty_and_the_Beast.jpeg

Beauty and the Beast as a film, holds many teachable moments about good girls and bad boys.  IMAGE BY The Concordian Org.

A quick leap to a feminist read about Beauty and the Beast. This one is by a blogger who calls herself the Funny Feminist or Lady T.  She makes a good point about some bad boys hoping for love to help change them.  Not all bad boys, and that is a decided fact.

Tip Three: Don’t predict the future. You cannot, even learned weather men fail at that task.

Tip four: Hope for the best. Realizing, the future is unknown allows you to chose to have a bit of hope. The hope is not unrealistic. Sir Michael Rutter, one of Britain’s leading researchers into how we become who we are, reported that a good marriage was a major factor in moving away from abuse and a bad childhood. 

Tip five: Legitimate concern exists when sex, addiction, or abuse are part of your teen’s love triangle.  However, all the advice above holds. The problem is in your teen, not the loved one.

Do your best to see the loved one’s good qualities.  If you cannot keep your mouth shut, observe Gottman’s five to one rule: only allow yourself to show five positives for every one negative.

STAY STRONG

Life is a struggle, relationships hard, raising good kids in today’s world harder than ever. The media has become another parent and not always a useful one, particularly when it comes to teaching about relationships.  Still, wise parents, as a child slips into adolescence, will use the media as talking points and teachable moments.

Remember, if you like this post comment or  share. Your kindness matters a great deal to me. 

Katherine

MORE

For more reading on this topic, try my book ‘When Good Kids Hang Out With The Wrong Crowd‘. ‘When Good Kids Have Sex‘ might also be relevant.

READY FOR SEX? KNOW THE RULES? REVISED VERSION

A quick post, for all. This is a revision of my Ready for Sex Rules that I posted earlier in the week. For  more tips and specific advice read my E-book  When Good Kids Have Sex.

sEX RULESrevised

Thank you Facebook friend Glenda Boozer for discussing her view of the rules which lead to my revisions. Hope you approve Glenda.

Life is a struggle, relationships hard, raising good kids in today’s world harder than ever. The media has become another parent and not always a useful one.

Remember if you like this post comment or  share. Your kindness matters.

Katherine

READY FOR SEX? KNOW THE RULES?

A quick post, for all.  For  more tips and specific advice read my E-book  When Good Kids Have Sex

sEX RULES

Life is a struggle, relationships hard, raising good kids in today’s world harder.  Stay strong and caring.

Katherine