Tag Archives: Self-soothing skills

FIVE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILD CAN BETTER DEAL WITH CHANGE

Going with the flow, not letting change throw you around remains an major skill To move ahead on the path to the good life.

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Thank you Carl D’Agostino for giving me the privilege of sharing your cartoons

Change starts with birth and ends with death. Before thinking about your child and change, think about you and change. The ability to accept change is partly built into us at birth. Some of us rush to the new and the adventuresome; some wait a bit before joining in, and some would prefer to stay with the old.

This inborn responses to change comes with our genes in the form of temperament traits. Jerome Kagan, retired Harvard researcher and professor, sees  temperament traits as one of the first influences on how we become who we are.

So which are you? Eager Beaver? Careful Cat? Shy Sparrow? Extrovert?  Introvert?  Bigger question? Is your child the same as you or on a totally different wave length. That is what the experts call “fit” as in “goodness of fit.”

Often we pick partners who are our opposite. Eager Beaver? You might pick a Shy Sparrow to hold you back or to make you feel bolder and braver.  A Careful Cat or Shy Sparrow You might pick an Eager Beaver might bring you out a bit.

Two of my grandsons are at the opposite ends of the bold to shy, extravert or introvert ways of being. Guess what? One parent is an Eager Beaver; the other a Shy Sparrow.  And I am more the Shy Sparrow, while my husband is an Eager Beaver.

Two other thoughts before a few suggestions. One thought, people are far more complicated than the above shows; according to Kagan temperament is only one of a hundred things that  explain the way we are. That is good news. With a bit of help, A Shy Sparrow might become if not an Eager Beaver at least a Careful Cat.

I am a Shy Sparrow at heart. Know me in some situations and you’d question that. Look at how I stood up on Oprah. My shy self was in full retreat.  I do not even remember being nervous.  Get me to a party where I know no one, and watch me shudder and try to fade into the woodwork or fly away like the Shy Sparrow I am at heart.

In the Oprah situation, I was sharing knowledge that I was confident I knew. In the second, I didn’t know much about what I could share with socially adept strangers. Context matters.

The second thought related to the above: how our temperament plays out in our lives is not set in stone.  Eager Beavers can be squashed in some situations or by some life events. Think of the Eager Beaver child in a classroom that demands more quiet compliance than the Eager Beaver ordinarily displays.  A Careful Cat will do best in such a class room.

My mother recognized my Shy Sparrow and made things like my appearance on Oprah possible.

PARENTING adVICE

Parenting tip number one: Know your child’s temperament traits. Honor them; do not try to force a sparrow to become a beaver.

Parenting tip number two: Know the various temperament traits surrounding your child. Label them as such. That will begin to teach your children how to figure some things out about other people, Figuring people out build’s emotional intelligence. Moreover, it helps the child figure out a bit about him or her self, another building block for emotional intelligence.

Parenting tip number three: Encourage both  the Eager Beaver  and Shy Sparrow to acquire some of the Careful Cat’s ways.  The middle way works best in most situations.

Parenting tip number four: Prod don’t push. The turtle wins more races when trying to teach your child a better way of being. One of my Mom’s mottos was “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gain.” When I was hesitant about something, she’d repeat that and then add, “Try it, you might like it; if not no great loss.”

Parenting tip number five: Strengthen every family members self-soothing skills.  Buy my eBook Self-soothing: Create Calm in Your Life.  Right now it costs less than an ice cream cone  and lasts longer.

Remember you can read Amazon eBooks on any of your devices by using this free application.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was not inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt, but by  Facebook Friend Dorian Cole. Thank you Dorian.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

 

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EMOTIONAL FITNESS? WHAT’S THAT?

The Dali Lama calls emotional fitness “educating the heart.”  Watch this video to learn more about  educating your child’s heart.

PARENTiNG THOUGHTS ABOUT educating the heart

Hope you watched the video. It is a lovely call for revamping our schools to educate the heart as well as the mind.  The Dali Lama focuses on compassion and kindness and of course makes use of meditation to deal with stress.

I disagree on one issue – defending yourself. Those dedicated to the pacifism of  Buddhism will not slap a mosquito – inviting death if you live where malaria kills.  So while I educated my children’s heart, I also had them take karate with a peace-seeking dojo.

The easiest way to start educating your children’s heart is to educate your own heart first. In order for the heart to be heard, you have to create peace in your mind and your world.

PARENTING TIPS

Here are three self soothing exercises that are easy to learn, take minutes to practice, and in time become almost automatic, providing you practice them as directed.

Tip one: The One Minute Meditation.  Take a slow deep breath in, Hold until you feel tense, slowly breathe out; when breathing in for your next breath say “Thank” and smile gently.  That is what EFTI calls a Calming Breath.  Keep breathing but normally; observe,and count your breaths. When you have counted ten breaths, take another Calming Breath and go on with your life.

Tip two: Sloganeering calms negative self talk.  Calming slogans need to be short and contain only positive words.  Examples: “Staying strong,” “Moving on,” “Doing my best,” or “Kindness helps.”  When stress builds doing the one minute Meditation and then continuing to repeat a calming slogan over and over in your head blocks negative self-talk. Some sing a song, others pray.

Tip three: Relax your face. A relaxed face, what EFTI calls Soft Face involves keeping  your jaw relaxed, your teeth unclenched, your lips almost smiling, your eyes wide, your eyebrows un-knotted, and your forehead smooth. Practice in front of a mirror.

STAY STRONG

Parenting is hard work and today’s parents carry far too much stress.  You can add more calming exercises to those descibed above.  Be With Beauty is another.

MY COMMERCIALS FOR TODAY

Sharing knowledge nourishes my heart; it is one of the ways I practice kindness.  However, I also have to pay my bills. Most of my products and books cost less than a latte and can be downloaded using a Kindle app so you can read them on your computer.

The newest book in my Emotional Fitness Training Series is Know Your Feelings Become a Feeling Detective.  You may think you know what you feel, but many negative feelings wear tricky disguises and fool you into acting against your best interests.  Feeling awareness, being a skilled Feeling Detective, keeps negative feelings in their place.

A free bee: My Twelve Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises will be available this weekend for free.

A plea:  Hundreds have downloaded my books for free. Makes me happy. Fewer than thirty have written a review.  Reviews spread knowledge and help sales. Please if you download one, write a review.

For all you do, thank you.

Katherine

TWO DISCLAIMERS

The first:  Although built upon evidenced based practices, there is no guarantee my advice is the right advice for you and your family. Experiment, try my tips; if they are not useful to you try another parent adviser. You are the expert on you and your child; the rest of us experts on many different things.

The second: I have dysgraphia, a learning disability that peppers my writing with mis-spelling and punctuation errors. All my books are professionally edited. Not so my blog posts. Although I use all the grammar and spelling checks, mistakes slip by. If they bother you, seek another source of support for life’s less savory moments.   Life is too short to let problems you can avoid annoy or stress you.

THE JOKE’S ON YOU

“Laugh and Play” is an emotional fitness exercise. Jokes are fun, but can be cruel. Tips about how stopping cruel jokes and play  between siblings. First some laughs.

Which is your favorite? First and last are mine.

Which is your favorite? First and last are mine.

Healthy laughter is kind and never directly hurtful to another being.  Finally healthy laughter does not make fun of those in out  groups.

Parenting thoughts about Laughter

Here are the age and stage stepping stones involved in laughter: laughter starts with peek-a-boo, tickling; then moves up to animal and knock-knock jokes, scatological jokes follow, and finally comes an  appreciation of irony and satire.

Children are not naturally cruel when looking for fun and laughter, but if not taught kindness when it comes to joking and such, the playing  can become cruel.  Moreover, it can happen while most of the family are laughing and enjoying themselves. 

Both my brothers loved to tickle me until I was gasping for breath or had wet my panties.  Not fun for me. 

Both my brothers also loved to jump out from somewhere behind me and scare me. Innocent fun?  Not for me.  My back muscles still tense a bit when my back is not against a wall.  

PARENTING ADVICE about  jokes AND SUCH 

Make certain that sibling fun is not unintentionally cruel.

Tip one: If you tickle a baby, tickle in short bursts with time to recover. Make all who tickle do the same.  

Tip two: As language develops help children develop the right to control their own bodies.  Start asking for a hug or a kiss.  If the child refuses, smile and say. “Your body, kiss and hug me when you want.  

Tip three: Let the child tickle you and say a loud “Enough” off and on.  Soon the child will follow your lead.

Tip four: Turn Pop Out and Scare into  a hide and seek game  all agree to play.  When all are not in the game, criticize the child scaring another and if seems to be a habit, punish with a time out.

Tip five: Model displeasure when media or real people make others the butt of cruel humor.  A quiet, “I don’t find that funny” makes the point. Also with cartoons, note, “No real person is being hurt.”

Tip six:  As your children age, make it a point to praise self-deprecating comedians. Watch a Josh Blue routine with your teens and comment on the strength he shows by accepting his difference and making fun of himself.  

Learn to make self-deprecating jokes about yourself.  

STAY STRONG

Life is a struggle and a kind sense of humor is essential to surviving the less than perfect moments with grace. Kind humor does not come naturally, human nature tends to find comfort it poking fun at others.  You and your children are  stronger when you can resist that temptation.

My book Twelve Easy Exercises discusses healthy play and laughter in greater detail.   Added value:  The book costs less than a Starbucks’ fancy latte, adds no calories and can be sipped over and over again. 

Perfect the ones you already to and add a new one or two.

Perfect the ones you already to and add a new one or two.

As noted earlier the Parents Are People Newsletter will soon be published.   A quick read, the newsletter will link you to the popular blog post of the two previous weeks,  add a new post, some news, poster coaches, jokes, and resources.  Sign up on the sidebar. 

As usual for all you do to support me, thank you.

Katherine

TWO DISCLAIMERS

The first: My advice is just that. Although based on what are called evidenced based practices, the is no guarantee it is the right advice for you and your family. Experiment, try my exercises, if they are not useful to you try another parent adviser.

The second: I have dysgraphia, a learning disability that peppers my writing with mis-spelling and punctuation errors. All my books are professionally edited. Not so my blog post. Although I use all the grammar and spelling checks, mistakes slip by. If they bother you, seek another source of support for life’s less savory moments.   Life is to short to let problems you can avoid annoy or stress you.

NO TIME TO MEDITATE? YOU MUST BE A PARENT

Most parents are not willing or able to sit quietly for fifteen minutes let along an hour.    This blog post starts with an Emotional Fitness Poster Coach briefly describing the One Minute Meditation.

The OMM postercoach

Meditating the quick way: The One Minute Meditation.

Stressful moments visit parents day in and day out.  The One Minute Meditation, properly learned and practiced is key to staying in control. This quick introduction is enough for many, but others need more.  My newest eBook offers 22 self-soothing exercises as well as directions for how to  how to practice each exercise most effectively.

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Self-Soothing, Create Calm in Your Life

Overwhelmed with postings, mine and other people’s, one way to cut back is to subscribe to my newsletter. The Newsletter will arrived twice  a month with news, a completely new post about how to stay strong, links to the best of my blogs, announcements about my books, poster coaches, give-aways, and tips for staying strong.  You can subscribe from the side bar.

Remember if you liked this like, comment, share with someone who needs support while staying strong.  Sharing and  caring strengthens you as well as others.

As usual for all you do to support me and others, thank you

Katherine

TWO DISCLAIMERS

The first: My advice is just that. Although based on what are called evidenced based practices, the is no guarantee it is the right advice for you and your family. Experiment, try my exercises, if they are not useful to you try another parent adviser.

The second: I have dysgraphia, a learning disability that peppers my writing with mis-spelling and punctuation errors. All my books are professionally edited. Not so my blog post. Although I use all the grammar and spelling checks, mistakes slip by. If they bother you, seek another source of support for life’s less savory moments.   Life is to short to let problems you can avoid annoy or stress you.