Tag Archives: Self esteem

HOW TO STOP BAD BEHAVIOR

Bad  behavior includes any behavior that endangers  self or others; harms self or others, destroys property or lands one in jail.

IMAGE FROM Cargurus Blog

Much is made about the role of self-esteem in contributing to bad behavior.  I recently posted this quote by David Elkind, one of my favorite experts on children’s behavior.

Still, the studies do show that the better you feel about yourself, the kinder you are.  Being kind matters most.  I think part of the problem is the emphasis on feeling happy because you are praised and loved.  I think that works for the very young, but in time children need to develop a conscience.  Next they need to learn to please that inner voice. Doing so involves making the Right Choice.

Fellow blogger Jean Tracy offers a STOP plan as a way to preserve self esteem by thinking about the choices you make. I’ve incorporated her plan in a the following Parent Tip Poster.

From Jean Tracy’s Blog: Jean is a great tipster.  

Talking to yourself aloud so your children can hear, is a sideways trick to fill their little heads with some good advice.  Of course, I said “little heads” as bigger heads will use talking to yourself as a weapon.

I think one key to building a good conscious lies in stopping certain behaviors.  And like Jean Tracy I have a  STOP plan.  Here is mine:

A different STOP plan.  My suggestion for using both: use Jean Tracy’s as a discussion point  when the bad behavior has stopped and all is calm.

PARENTING tipS for STOPPING BAD BEHAVIOR

Tip one:  Praise or “only catching” them doing good is not enough.  Correcting bad behavior is as essential, punishments are part of correcting. The right punishment at the right time delivered in the right way is love delivered.  

Tip two: Never rely on just one disciplinary plan.  That is why the professionals fight spanking; it works in the short run, but as the child gets used to it (habituated as the “experts” say), parents begin to spank harder and harder and might eventually abuse.  Both my books offer a Chinese menu of choice.

Tip three: Always review why you stopped the bad behavior.  Amazing what some kids say when asked “Do you know why I punished you?”

Tip four:  Maintain the relationship. No matter what a kid has done, the relationship and its love has to go on.  Think of the worse case scenario – a teen ends up in jail. If the kid did the crime, the parents need to accept the kid must do the time.  Doing the time, does not mean family withdraws.  Family visits,  writes letters, sends we are thinking of you gifts, and plans next steps with the child who if in prison is probably an adult child.

Tip five:  As always examine your behavior.  Parents do not control everything, but if a parent does not make the choices that please their values,  children will most likely make the choices the parents make.

STAY STRONG

Parenting is difficult and often a struggle as you must know by now.  Teaching right behavior from wrong behavior is almost the hardest part.  My tips should help.  Practicing my Daily Emotional Fitness Program will help you remember what matters.

When you strive to do the right thing, you are modeling your values, your children. Most will stay strong when tempted. There are no guarantees that come with raising children, so  if you’re having a hard time, my advice is not to ignore that, get professional help.

As always, thank you for your support, it means a great deal to me.

Katherine

DISCLAIMER: FORGIVE MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS FOR I HAVE DYSGRAPHIAIf you need perfect posts, you will not find them here. I have dysgraphia which means that sometimes my sentence structure is not that easy to follow or I make other errors. Still, most people understand me. All of my books are professionally edited, but not all of my blog posts are. Thanks for your understanding and reading my work.

FURTHER PARENT ADVICE CAN BE FOUND IN MY BOOKS

All my books are available on Amazon, and readable on any tablet, laptop, Mac, PC, e-reader or Kindle device.

When Good Kids Do Bad Things. A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers
Parents Are People Too. An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents
Tame the Test Anxiety Monster

Watch for my about to be released How to Hold a Successful Family Meeting.  This is a Tool Kit with templates and posters as well as an E-book.

TODAY’S QUOTE

 

STAY STRONG

Parenting is difficult and often a struggle.  Your self-esteem erodes, not healthy for you or your child.   Too much advice points fingers at parents.  Do not forget this:  you are almost certainly a good enough parent. I

f you’re having a hard time, my advice is not to ignore that, but also to make sure you take care of yourself. When you stay in charge of your negative feelings, your child/ren will benefit too. I urge you to develop Emotional Fitness Training™ skills and share your success with others.

You can also practice kindness by liking, commenting, or sharing my posts. I promise kindness is always rewarded in one way or another.

As always, thank you for your support, it means a great deal to me.

Katherine

FURTHER PARENT ADVICE CAN BE FOUND IN MY BOOKS

All my books are available on Amazon, and readable on any tablet, laptop, Mac, PC, e-reader or Kindle device.

When Good Kids Do Bad Things. A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers
Parents Are People Too. An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents
Tame the Test Anxiety Monster

Watch for my soon to be  released How to Hold a Successful Family Meeting.  This is a Tool Kit with templates and posters as well as an E-book.

 

LOVE IS ENOUGH? NO!

WHY THIS TOPIC?:  Parents are right to worry about a child’s self esteem but too many parents and parent advisors think praise is the best pathway to high self esteem.  A recent article on the Kids Health webpage discussed self esteem and served as a prompt for this post.

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The article made the point that self-esteem has at least two components:

Self-esteem also can be defined as feeling capable while also feeling loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also develop low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when a good balance is maintained.

More and more parent advisors are moving away from preaching love only.  The idea that feeling loved is enough has been too easily turned into the idea that a child must always be happy. I am sure a few of you know the line from that tear jerking movie “The Love Story.”

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Hog wash.

The hard part about developing a sense of achievement is that it usually involves frustration, failure, and sometimes tears.

PARENT ADVICE

I have three suggestions for dealing with the bumps on the road to achievment.

Tip one: Learn and practice Calming Breath.  It is a simple self-self soothing exercise.

  1. Take a long slow breath in.
  2. Hold it until a bit of tension builds.
  3. Breath out slowly.
  4. Smile gently.

This can be enhanced by adding a calming slogan. My three favorites are:

  1. Doing what I can.
  2. Now is not forever.
  3. It’s all all right.

Teaching a child Calming Breath can start when he or she is about two. You can teach “Big breathe in. Hold. Blow out.”  It will take a while to learn and you have to model it.

As soon as you see the child can follow those commands add counting to make the breaths longer and slower.  Also count for the Hold.  A count of three is a good beginning. Then move up.  When that is mastered add the smile.

Tip Two: Embed helpful self talk into your child’s brain.  How? Find some slogans and use them frequently. My mother embedded “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” so deeply into my brain, it almost automatically sounds if shyness or fear of failure keeps me back.  She must have started early, and of course, as a teen I would roll my eyes and sigh.  Need a few examples?  Here are some that made my kids roll their eyes, but I also know helped get them through rough times:

  • Pop up.
  • Breathe.
  • Learn from this.
  • Life goes on.
  • New stuff is hard until it becomes old stuff.
  • If you  learn,  you haven’t failed.
  • Trying teaches you what you can and cannot do.
  • Remember your strengths.
  • We all have talents, but not all the same ones.
  • Remember what matters.

Tip Three: Acknowledge pain. Short praises are best, followed by silence.

  • Ouch.
  • That hurts.
  • Life is far from fair.
  • Failing to get where you want is painful.
  • Some days it goes your way, some days it doesn’t.

If the chiild uses your silence to vent, listen, nod your heard, make comforting sounds. When she seems to have wound down, ask “What next? How can I help?”

Tip Four: Praise what matters: trying,  good sportsmenship, kindness.

Tip Five:  Provide good times.  Good times and good memories offset bad times and bad memories.  When a child gets cut from a team, dumped by a friend, fails a test, purposively suggest doing something for fun. “Lets put that behind for a while; I feel like baking cookies, want to help?”  “When I’m feeling down and bad about myself, it helps to do something fun.  What can you do to cheer you up?”

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Like this post or share it with someone who might find it helpful.  You will be helping that person, yourself, and me. Karma dictates  kindness is always returned.

You will also be practicing one of the 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises and strengthening your emotional fitness.

Click here to view all Daily Emotional Fitness  Exercises.  If regular practice of the 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises does not improve the quality of your life, more might be needed.  That is the time to think about counseling.

Good luck, life is a struggle, caring for children harder than you expect AND despite the struggle, life as a parent is also wonderful.  

Katherine