Tag Archives: Self care

Six Ways To Teach Your Children Control

Controlling a baby is like herding cats. You can’t. But as one pundit said, “Who feeds you, controls you.”  FInterested? First, a cartoon about control.

Cartoon about control

Thoughts About Control

The need to be in control motivates us almost as much as the need for air, food, and water. Why? Controlling what we can is a survival skill.  Morevoer, thinking we are in control eases fear and we all like to be less scared.

Problem arise when you  think you are in control and you are not.  You either deny reality, waste time and energy, or damage relationships with useless arguing.

The trick?  Being clear about what you do control and accepting what you do not control. Not easy.  It is generally accepted that people do not control other people.  When it comes to parenting that is true and false. The first lesson of newborns comes with their crying.

If a baby is crying from hunger and you have food to satisfy that need you are in control and can stop the crying.

If a baby is crying from colic, you might figure out how to stop the crying, but just as often you have to wait it out.

Then come the “terrible twos” which really start lots earlier. And after the twos before you know it come the pre-teens and teens. Each stage sees parents with less and less control. What to do?

Parenting tips

Tip one: Know the rules that matter. Those rules: safety for all; respect for all living beings, respect for property, and respect for reasonable laws.

Tip two: Use the power granted you.  Do so wisely and not abusively.  The creator, or creators of all, wisely made children small for a while. Why? So parents and other adults could enforce the rules that matter.

When the “terrible twos” set in you have the power to ignore, the power to pick up and put in time out; doing either is a good use of power.

Research shows that  a pre-school child thinks what s/he is forced to do is right. Robert Kegan in his book “The Evolving Self”  says this is the stage of Might Makes Right.  For a parent is the time to implant the rules that matter and not just by praise, but by using your power.

The best tool for forcing obedience remains Thomas Phenlon’s One, Two, Three Magic approach.  When I just checked his web page it seems everything is on sale. So go there.  The short version: Three strikes, the one, two, three,. and you are out and punished.

The punishments must fit the crime and time out is a good one for most things.  This video of Jo Frost, aka Super Nanny, details the right way to do time out.

Both methods work, but  you work each properly and consistently. If you skipped the video, go back and watch it. Then get one of Phelon’s books.

Tip three: Do not abuse. Punish when important rules are not obeyed, but do not slap, abusively spank, scream and yell, call names, withhold love, or demean until the child submits to your control. Not such wise use of power.

Tip four: Get real. Let go of the idea of control and think influence. The most potent influence on anyone remains, the behavior of people around him, particularly people s/he either admires, is dependent on, fears, or wants to be like. For the young child that is more controllable, but control of who influences diminishes

For a parent that means being the person you want your child to be. And doing as much as possible to keep him or her surrounded with people who share your values. The younger, the child, the easier this is.

One of the puzzles for young parents is figuring not just who they are but what they want their lives to stand for and what they want to teach their children.  My eBook “Know your Mission So You Can Reach Your Goals can help you think more deeply and clearly about this.

Tip five: You will blow your cool now and again, use The Care Response to soften the blow to your child and to make an amends.

The CARE Plan

How to make amends after losing control.

Tip six: None of the above works without strong Emotional Fitness Skills. Which is why I wrote Parents Are People Too, An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents. You can get it for a penny plus shipping and handling. You can also get it as a kindle version for a bit more, but still less than a movie.

Remember you can read Amazon eBooks on any of your devices by using this free application.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was not inspired by this a WordPress Daily Prompt, but plays off of yesterday’s Emotional Fitness Training Blog. about Back Seat Driving as a Control Tactic.

However, today’s daily Word Press prompt suggested writing about:   Nothin’ But A Good Time: – Imagine that tomorrow, all of your duties and obligations evaporate for the day. You get the day all to yourself, to do anything you please. What types of fun activities would make your day?

My answer, I would not do much different from what I did today. I am living a good life.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

Nothin’ But A Good Time
by Krista
Imagine that tomorrow, all of your duties and obligations evaporate for the day. You get the day all to yourself, to do anything you please. What types of fun activities would make your day?

FIVE WAY YOU AND YOUR CHILD CAN BETTER DEAL WITH CHANGE

Going with the flow, not letting change throw you around remains an major skill To move ahead on the path to the good life.

.

Thank you Carl D’Agostino for giving me the privilege of sharing your cartoons

Change starts with birth and ends with death. Before thinking about your child and change, think about you and change. The ability to accept change is partly built into us at birth. Some of us rush to the new and the adventuresome; some wait a bit before joining in, and some would prefer to stay with the old.

This inborn responses to change comes with our genes in the form of temperament traits. Jerome Kagan, retired Harvard researcher and professor, sees  temperament traits as one of the first influences on how we become who we are.

So which are you? Eager Beaver? Careful Cat? Shy Sparrow? Extrovert?  Introvert?  Bigger question? Is your child the same as you or on a totally different wave length. That is what the experts call “fit” as in “goodness of fit.”

Often we pick partners who are our opposite. Eager Beaver? You might pick a Shy Sparrow to hold you back or to make you feel bolder and braver.  A Careful Cat or Shy Sparrow You might pick an Eager Beaver might bring you out a bit.

Two of my grandsons are at the opposite ends of the bold to shy, extravert or introvert ways of being. Guess what? One parent is an Eager Beaver; the other a Shy Sparrow.  And I am more the Shy Sparrow, while my husband is an Eager Beaver.

Two other thoughts before a few suggestions. One thought, people are far more complicated than the above shows; according to Kagan temperament is only one of a hundred things that  explain the way we are. That is good news. With a bit of help, A Shy Sparrow might become if not an Eager Beaver at least a Careful Cat.

I am a Shy Sparrow at heart. Know me in some situations and you’d question that. Look at how I stood up on Oprah. My shy self was in full retreat.  I do not even remember being nervous.  Get me to a party where I know no one, and watch me shudder and try to fade into the woodwork or fly away like the Shy Sparrow I am at heart.

In the Oprah situation, I was sharing knowledge that I was confident I knew. In the second, I didn’t know much about what I could share with socially adept strangers. Context matters.

The second thought related to the above: how our temperament plays out in our lives is not set in stone.  Eager Beavers can be squashed in some situations or by some life events. Think of the Eager Beaver child in a classroom that demands more quiet compliance than the Eager Beaver ordinarily displays.  A Careful Cat will do best in such a class room.

My mother recognized my Shy Sparrow and made things like my appearance on Oprah possible.

PARENTING adVICE

Parenting tip number one: Know your child’s temperament traits. Honor them; do not try to force a sparrow to become a beaver.

Parenting tip number two: Know the various temperament traits surrounding your child. Label them as such. That will begin to teach your children how to figure some things out about other people, Figuring people out build’s emotional intelligence. Moreover, it helps the child figure out a bit about him or her self, another building block for emotional intelligence.

Parenting tip number three: Encourage both  the Eager Beaver  and Shy Sparrow to acquire some of the Careful Cat’s ways.  The middle way works best in most situations.

Parenting tip number four: Prod don’t push. The turtle wins more races when trying to teach your child a better way of being. One of my Mom’s mottos was “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gain.” When I was hesitant about something, she’d repeat that and then add, “Try it, you might like it; if not no great loss.”

Parenting tip number five: Strengthen every family members self-soothing skills.  Buy my eBook Self-soothing: Create Calm in Your Life.  Right now it costs less than an ice cream cone  and lasts longer.

Remember you can read Amazon eBooks on any of your devices by using this free application.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful.  Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it?  Comment and tell me why and how to improve.

Katherine

This post was not inspired by this WordPress Daily Prompt, but by  Facebook Friend Dorian Cole. Thank you Dorian.

OTHER LINKS OF INTEREST

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

 

SHABBAT SHALOM


May you walk in peace and may the light of love shine in and through you, now and forever.

A QUOTE FOR THINKING ABOUT WHAT MATTERS

“Judaism is a religion of time aiming at the sanctification of time…The Sabbaths are our great cathedrals.”

                                                           Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

Emotional fitness building TIP

No matter what your beliefs about a higher power, a day devoted to a simpler life is strengthening.  To me that means thinking about what matters, not spending money, not working on any  commercial ventures,  not using my beloved computer, turning off the cell phone,  connecting with friends, nature, my G-d.

Create your own version, your life will improve.   Try setting  aside one day a week for no (or minimal) travel;  no turning on the tv, radio, or computer and turning off your cell phone.  You will  save gas, reduce your carbon footprint, help solve the energy crisis, and stop the heating up of our planet. Try it you might like it.

PARENTING TIP

Force your kids to hold some time sacred.

STAYING STRONG

And yes, one of my ongoing cranks is how much harder it is on today’s parents to do these things.  David and I were both at home and it was hard enough, but it was during those years our only job.  We became foster parents in order to be at home.

So if you are working at more than being a parent, don’t guilt yourself if you can’t do as we did.  Do try to find some unconnected family time and the same for you.  Start small and spread.  Also if you have found ideas that get your family unconnected and spending quiet or play time together then share.  Also share if you’ve found a way to carve out some of the same for just you.

PRACTICE KINDNESS Share this post with others who might find it of value. Kindness gives to the giver as well as to the receiver.

Katherine

This post allines with this WordPress  DAILY PROMPT . My dream teacher in regards to this post would have been Rabbi Heschel.

cruel.IMAGE BY: adinadesigns.com

SHABBAT SHALOM


May you walk in peace and may the light of love shine in and through you, now and forever.

A QUOTE FOR THINKING ABOUT WHAT MATTERSTake rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.  Ovid

A STAYING STRONG TIP:  Observing the Shabbat has been a major blessing becoming a Jew (I am a convert) bestowed on me.  No matter what your beliefs about a higher power, a day devoted to a simpler life is strengthening.  To me that means thinking about what matters, not spending money, not working on any  commercial ventures,  not using my beloved computer, turning off the cell phone,  connecting with friends, nature, my G-d.

Create your own version, your life will improve and your children will be strengthened.

 Share this post with others who might find it of value. Kindness gives to the giver as well as to the receiver.

IMAGE BY: adinadesigns.com