Toddlers thrive on applause, but as the child grows and thinks more clearly too much praise creates two problems: entitlement and narcissism.
Too much praise creates what some call “praise junkies.” The child grows dependent on the praising adult to define good and bad. S/he may feel pressure to get more praise but only by doing what the parent praises.
Too much praise keep children from finding their own paths to feeling good or bad and particularly when it comes to accomplishments. Jerome Kagan among others makes it clear that children seek to quotes about morality in children
Doing something because you feel good about what you can do is always better than doing something to please someone else.
Many cultures do not praise. East Asian cultures while known for high-achieving and highly motivated students, despite the fact that parents rarely praise.
Many European cultures do not have words or phrases meaning “Good girl” or “Good boy.”
Research also show that children who are praised are less likely to take risks They fear the loss of praise. as they may fear they won’t receive positive feedback.
Finally, praising can be viewed as lying once the child develops the ability to better compare himself to what is praiseworthy in real life. Three examples.
- A five-year-old who enjoyed painting and drawing stopped these activities completely at the age of six when she realized nothing she drew came close to reality. She had moved from the stage called Magical Thinking to the one known as Concrete Thinking. She later shrugged off all parental praise as biased lies.
- A seven-year–old girl became angry at her parents once she figured out Santa Claus was not a living person. She felt lied too. She later called Santa Claus “An invention of grownups to make kids behave.”
- A twelve-year-old who previously loved Little League and dreamt of becoming a major league player, told his parents, “There are only 600 major league ball players, I will never be good enough to be one.”
- He was accurate and he spent much time on the bench. Sadly, he also stopped going to major league games or watching them on television. He was also angry at his parents for “making me think I was good enough.” He had moved to the stage of abstract thought. He could about many possibilities instead of just one or two mainly driven by his own experiences.
Tip one: The older your child, the less you should praise.
Tip two: Do not praise character traits. Example, “You’re a good girl”, “You’re so good at this”, or “I’m very proud of you”
Tip three: Better than praise: describe effort and outcome. Examples: “you tried hard” or “I see how carefully you crayoned within the lines” or “You did it.”
Tip four: Let your child fail. Use failures to talk about strengths, weaknesses, and talents. Emphasize trying your best, learning from mistakes.
Tip five: Make it clear you think what matters most is being kind and making the world better. Teach manners and that includes cleaning up when you mess up.
Tip six: When you child enters his or her teen years, talk about mission and goals. Use the exercises in the eBook Know Your Mission So You Can Reach Your Goals as your starting point. Buy it now, it costs less than a latte.
Go here for a free digital PDF download of my newest eBook, Cross Train Your Brain with Twelve Easy Exercises. It will be free until March st. If you read it please that a few seconds to send me a comment that I can use as an endorsement or how it needs improving.
This post was inspired by this Word Press Daily Prompt – Pat on the Back – Tell someone you’re proud of just how proud you are.
Remember to share all you find of value on the internet as it is an easy act of kindness. Everyone craves recognition. Sharing is a gift to three people: the person whose post you are reading, the people you share with, and you for your kindness bless you.TA like says “Thank You.” Comments says you have read and thought about the post.
Thank you for all you do
Work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult and parenting even when your children are grown can be a struggle.
LINKS OF INTEREST
These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.
- Emotional Intelligence (en.wikipedia.org)
- The five components of emotional Intelligence (www.sonoma.edu)
- About Emotional Fitness Training (emotionalfitnesstraining.com)
- An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents (amazon.com)