Tag Archives: Four Rules of Living the Good Life

TIPS TO TAME SHAME

Shame is part of nature’s plan to keep us from the sin of Cain, from doing the unforgiveable, killing our brothers. Considering how humanity is so often at war and killing, it  seems shame fails more often than it succeeds.

As Jonathan Swift noted,  “I never wonder to see men wicked, but I often wonder to see them not ashamed.”

John Grisham in his novel the Testament noted one reason shame fails to do its job, “Addicts know no shame. You disgrace yourself so many times you become immune to it.”

Studies do show that we  numb some of our children to  many feelings including shame by intensive exposure to media violence,  competitiveness on the athletic field or in school, as well as on going abuse in their home.  Shame can be too tamed. We need some.  The definition of a sociopath involves knowing neither shame nor guilt

The trick to taming shame is similar to Aristotle’s statement about anger.  You need the right amount of shame directed at the right person, in the right amount, and for the right reasons.   The right reason for shame is always to stop  someone from doing something unforgivable.

As noted in the cartoon, the highest powers often fail in their efforts to help their children use shame for the right reason.  The first step to helping children if for you to deal with any difficulties you have with shame.

TAMING YOUR SHAME

TIP ONE:   Let go of the shame from the past.  You cannot change the past.  Make amends to those you have hurt if that is possible, and then let go.

TIP TWO:  If shame is warning you about unacceptable current behavior. Stop any behaviors shame is designed to stop.  If you cannot stop such behaviors, get compentent help.  Otherwise, make any amends you can to those you have hurt and go on.

TIP THREE:  Observe the four rules for living the good life: respcect self, others, property, obey the law.

TIP FOUR:  Think more logically about the cause of your shame. First let us presume you feel shame about beating up your brother and leaving him with a scar on his face, every time you see him, shame visits. Because the event happened years ago, you are carrying false shame.

Moreover, when we are thinking illogically, we generally make one of the following mistakes.   These are the common illogical mistakes.

  •  Something gets left out. “I was never nice to him.”  You let him tag along your friends, your often gave him half your allowance when he lost most of his for being bad, you stood up to bullies for him.  In fact, you were more nice than mean.
  • Something gets added.  ‘‘I know he hates the scar and no matter how he acts, he hates me.” Actually, your brother thinks the scar makes him look tougher and sexier.” He loves you. but has a hard time admitting it.  Remember the flowers he sends you every so often with a funny note.
  • Sometimes we have the right facts, but we draw the wrong conclusions.   “I offered to pay for him to have some plastic surgery, but he laughed at me and refused.”  He likes to hold what I did over my head.
  • Sometimes we let our feelings determine if we are right or wrong.  “I just feel like he hates me.” Those feelings are wrong.

TIP FIVE: Practice self-soothing and calming self talk whenever shame tries to visit.  Concentrate on finding slogans to battle illogical beliefs.  Learn and practice the Twelve Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises.  If shame continues to disturb you, seek therapy.

TAMING A CHILD’S SHAME

TIP ONE: As noted above, deal with your own shame.

TIP TWO: Make the important rules clear and enforce them. If you read my blog, you know them: Respect self, others, property, and the law.  The younger the child, the more it is up to you to enforce the rules.  By seven or eight, the child not be hurting self or others, not destroying property.   He or she should also be reasonably obedient and law abiding.  If not,  a good mental health evalution is indicated. All the experts agree a child who hurts self or other, is cruel to animals and destroys property particularly by setting fires is a child needing special care.

TIP THREE: Do not abuse but understand abuse means inflicting physical punishments that leave marks; emotional abuse most easily boils down to constant put downs, no loving care. Punishments need to age approprate. T

TIP THREE: Observe the Five to One rule.  Five positives for every negative.

TIP FOUR: Teach self soothing skills.

TIP FIVE: Use slogans to embed the following idea: 

  • No one is good at everything.
  • You have strengths and talents.
  • Mistakes teach.
  • Sports are for fun
  • The one with the most friends wins
  • Kindness makes friends
  • Luck and hard work are both needed to  create success
  • You are special.
  • You are loved.

PRACTICE KINDNESS

AS ALWAYS PRACTICE KINDNESS

Be kind to  me,  like this post or share it.  You will be helping me stay strong and maybe some others as well.  You will also be practicing one of the 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises.  Click here to learn more about the 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Training Exercises.

Good luck and stay strong, I work at it all the time.

Katherine

IMAGE BY:cartoonstock.com

What Rules Matter Most to You?

Parents are power leaders , coaches, teachers as well as nurturers. I read lots of management stuff. One of the blogs I follow is Craig Harper and he stirred quite a storm with this post asking parents to rate behaviors they would found  upsetting in their  15 year old.

These were the behaviors he asked us to rate:

  • Using the ‘F’ word in general conversation (when you’re not around)
  • Lying to you regularly
  • Drinking an occasional glass of alcohol behind your back (twice a week)
  • Smoking cigarettes (one or two each day)
  • Skipping school behind your back (once a month)
  • Having sex with the same person (of similar age) once a week
  • Playing computer games for three hours every day

My most offensive two were using the F word when I am not around and lying to me regularly.  I don’t think anyone agreed with me on the F word.  Sigh. That does not mean I was wrong.

What was the determining factor in my choice of these two as matches lighting my no-no fire?  If you read my post on Language Matters, you know why I chose the F word. It offends others.  As for lying, regularly, doing so destroys relationships.

I preach four Living the Good Life Rules: respect self, respect others, respect property, respect laws.  Now as an aging hippy, I do understand there are laws that should be protested.  That was what we did.  We also did so respecting others and respecting property.  So guess what upsets me about the Occupy Wall Street Movement?

What is a parent to do?  There is no magic to the job of raising children so they can live the good life and that means being a responsible citizen.  It is hard work and made harder by the “Any thing goes” culture of today at least as projected by the media.  It is my hope that by realizing there are only four big rules you will find stressing what really matters easier.

Keep caring; it works and keeps all strong.

Katherine

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