Tag Archives: family meetings

THE WEEKEND COMETH

As promised in yesterday’s teaser, tips for getting the kids to do more, so you can find me-time, quiet time, family fun time.

http://richarddingwall.name/2009/07/13/a-programmers-secret-weapon-the-humble-to-do-list/

Image found on Richard Dingwall’s Web Page. His tips are for programmers not parents.  However, he combats distraction which  is a common problem.

PARENTS AND THE NEVER ENDING TO DO LISTS

The younger your children, the harder the 24/7 day job called parenting. No getting around that.  Which is why the mantra “Now is not forever” remains one of my favorite;  it was with delight I heard my youngest son remind me of that fact.  He and his wife are struggling with one child being potty trained and the other  starting early into the terrible twos.

Lucky the parent who  has plenty of support and hands-on help.  Stressed and over-whelmed are those going it alone or with just the other parent’s help.  Add the fact that many are also working at formal jobs or going to school or doing both and I for one want to scream “Too much.”

When not screaming or pulling my thinning hair, I stand in awe of today’s parents.

PARENT ADVICE ABOUT THE NEVER ENDING TO DO LIST

Delegate, delegate, delegate and to your kids.  Even the one just starting to walk.

To delegate you have to let go of  trying to keep your kids happy.  Happiness is a by-product of feeling useful and competent.  Your most important role as a parent is to help your kids feel of value and that rests on feeling loved, but also on being productive.  In our happiness first culture  we expect too little of our young.

parenting tips for getting kids to work

Tip one: Know what kids can do.  This is my favorite age and stage chore list.  It starts at nine months and goes right on up to the teen years.   Homeschool Your Boys.   The younger the child, the more he or she wants to help and the easier to instill good habits.

Tip two:  Whatever your child’s age, it is not too late to delegate.  Start this week by hold a family meeting to start individual to do lists.

Don’t hold family meetings?  And important tool. So here is a commercial.  Invest in my book How To Hold Successful Family Meetings.  It costs less than a Starbucks Latte and the good lasts longer. 

Tip three: Reward and punish. Punishment is not a dirty word, but rewards should exceed punishments by at least a ratio of five to one.

Praise works well as a reward for the first few years.  A frown or no praise is sufficient punishment until the child is three.  Then a simple star chart attached to daily rewards depending on the number of stars.  Some families use a penny in a jar for every completed chore.

By the time school starts, behavior charts tied to allowance and privilege work best right on up through the teen years.  Always give a “Love” allowance, and allow a bonus allowance when all chores for the week have been completed.

When a child enters his or her teens, talk about your responsibility to fit him or her for the real world; that means earning his or her way.

Tip four:  The younger the child, the more leeway for learning. That means aiming for helping you, trying, almost good, and good enough before seeking good.

Tip five: That old refrain: consistency.

Tip six:  That other old refrain: modeling.  You set the standard.

STAY STRONG

Delegating is a leadership skill.  Parents are leaders.  I cull some of my information from the best business leaders.  One Minute Manager heads the top of my must read list for parents.  It is not available electronically, but the link takes you to those re-selling it.  It is also available as an audio book.  If you buy only one book to guide you, in addition to mine,  make it this one. 

The Parents Are People Newsletter will soon be published.   A quick read, the newsletter will add a new post,  contain some news, a poster coach, a  joke, or  a quote for thinking about what matters. Sign up on the sidebar.

As usual for all you do to support me, thank you.

Katherine

WGKLieFree

TWO DISCLAIMERS

The first:  Although based on what are called evidenced based practices, the is no guarantee my advice is the right advice for you and your family. Experiment, try my tips; if they are not useful to you try another parent adviser.

The second: I have dysgraphia, a learning disability that peppers my writing with mis-spelling and punctuation errors. All my books are professionally edited. Not so my blog posts. Although I use all the grammar and spelling checks, mistakes slip by. If they bother you, seek another source of support for life’s less savory moments.   Life is too short to let problems you can avoid annoy or stress you.

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DEPRESSION IN TEENS? PARENTS NEED AN ADDED CARE TEAM

This post suggests if you are dealing with a depressed teen, in addition to professional help, you need to create an added care team to keep you strong.

Connecting to others who have walked the path you are walking keeps you from getting lost in a forest full of dead ends, holes, and cliffs. 

PARENTING TIPS ABOUT CREATING AN ADDED CARE TEAM

You already have the start of such a team in your family, friends, various professionals, and even your teen’s circle of connections.  Step one is to decide which ones you trust. Step two is to let those know you consider them part of your teen’s added care team.  Just saying “Thank you” for being there, I think of you as part of my care team.” is enough.

To complete your team you need to name at least one complaint partner and to find a Parent Advocate.  A complaint partner is someone you can call just to spout off. The best complaint partners never tell you what to do; give a bit of sympathy, but no pity; remind you of your strengths; and keep everything you say confidential. Be sure to ask the person to be your compliant partner and offer to be theirs or to recipricate in some other way.

If you don’t feel comfortable asking a friend support groups offer not general support, but an opportunity to meet potential complaint partners.  As a last resort consider a therapist, but also realize your complaining has to be reserved for your therapy hour and a good therapist will only tolerate so much complaining without holding you accountable for moving toward change.

In addition to a  complaint partner, every parent with a teen in some sort of trouble needs a Parent Advocates.  Finding one is becoming easier had least in the United States. The National  Federation of Families partnered with the USA government to guarantee parents had a say in the treatment plans various professionals made for child.  The NFF’s motto is “Nothing about us without us.”  Most of their advocates are connected to Mental Health Agencies, but other child caring systems have added Parent Advocacy to their services also.

I was fortunate enough to work with a great many parent advocates during my professional career.  One Star Parent Advocate had been a beautician for most of her life and turned Parent Advocate in her sixties.  She was the first parent advocate I hired when my program received a grant that included  funds  for a parent advocate.  It was a new experience for both of us, and she educated me as much as I educated her. She had raised two sons who each struggled with major mental illnesses; one eventually committed suicide. Her heart possessed all the qualities of a healer.  

The best advocates are like  good friends who can hear your story without judging you and who will stand up for you rights when needed.  Most have these the listening skills naturally, the best get some more training; an advocate has to know about the system he or she is working in; and has to know the lingo, goals, and mission of that system.

Advocates working in the mental health system need to have a working understanding of mental illness and how it is treated.  Solid communication, goal setting and negotiating skills are also needed.  The final ingredient is a passion to help but also to be open to learning and supervision so one can be the best possible source of help.

As with all efforts to help another person, the quality of  advocates varies – some are the best thing that happened to a parent, others add to burdens. Good programs can have individual  advocates that harm, and bad programs can have individual advocates who do more for the family than the professional.  How to tell the good from the bad is not so easy, but you will know one when you meet one.

Finally, if you do not live in an area that has added Parent Advocates to their efforts to help, all is not lost, but finding one will be harder.  Again, the place to start might be in a support group.  The need to adovcate for each other could be raised as a group topic. Hopefully, the more experienced parents, would be willing to advocate for the less experienced.

More information about creating an Added Care Team can be found in my book: How to Hold a Successful Family Meeting.  Holding family meetings gives every family member the skills needed to handle all other meetings.

STAY STRONG

Parenting is hard work and contending with a depressed child demands more than good parenting.   You need all the allies you can get. An Added Care Team that includes a parent advocate and a complaint partner eases the path you and your child walk.

More information for parents coping with a moody or depressed teen can be found in my book ‘When Good Kids Get Depressed‘, which is volume 11 of the When Good Kids Do Bad Things series. Volume 1 is free.

IF YOU LIKE THIS POST

I have published fourteen books on parenting. ‘When Good Kids Do Bad Things. A Survival Guide for Parents of Teenagers‘ is available in print and as an e-book. Shorter ebooks can also be downloaded on specific topics, like lyingcrimerunning awayclothing wars and many other topics. Or you can learn how to run a successful family meeting or help your child with test anxiety. Meanwhile, don’t forget to take care of yourself with ‘Parents Are People Too – An Emotional Fitness Program for Parents‘ or by reading my Emotional Fitness Training blog where you will find free postersdaily exercises and more.

Also, if you think this information will help another, please share it.  Sharing knowledge is a caring act.

Thank you.

Katherine

DISCLAIMER ONE: Although I am a therapist and base my advice on my clinical knowledge and experience, it does not substitute for face-to-face professional help.

DISCLAIMER TWO: FORGIVE MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS FOR I HAVE DYSGRAPHIA.  If you need perfect posts, you will not find them here. Dysgraphia is a not well-known learning disability and means that sometimes my sentence structure is not that easy to follow or I make other errors. Still, most people understand me. All of my books are professionally edited, but not all of my blog posts are.  If this troubles you, feel free to read elsewhere.  If you persevere, you are practicing kindness by lifting my spirits for that means you find what I say helpful and that is one of my missions. Kindness always repays those who spread it.

ARE YOU A FAMILY MEETING FAMILY?

Re-posting most of my original Family Meeting Post.  Still playing catch up from the holidays and know your are too.   This series ends this week. Hope it has been helpful.

FMtip sheet

Of course you are, a family meeting family.  That is if you all live in the same house. Every family living together meets several times everyday.

A meeting is any get together involving two people and at least one with an agenda.  Putting your three-year old to bed? That is a meeting.  When you share the same agenda all goes well.  Lucky you.  Not always the case. More often, at the end of these little every day meetings one person feels, while  two or three people don’t.

That is called life.  You cannot please everyone all the time.  As was heard in the baseball movie, Bull Durham, “Some days you win, some days you lose and some days it rains.”  The trick is to accept bad feelings and stay in the game doing your best. Happens to every family member, every day; happens in most family meetings as well as other everyday meetings also.

The little meetings go lots better if the family meets regularly as a team to handle business and does so successfully.  Such meetings reduce parental  stress.  Moreover, such meetings prepare you and your children for handling life’s other meetings, but most importantly teach many important life lessons, including how to deal with not getting you way as well as strategies for getting your way.

Parenting Advice for conducting successful family meetings

Tip one:   Family meetings are a potent and powerful tool for parents, but only if successful and that is not always easily accomplished.  Here are the success tips I developed. Many are drawn from the business world.  Parents are leaders, managers, CEOs; the successful in that group I dub Power Leaders and I have learned much from them.

Tip two: The best place to start if you have not been holding regular family meetings is to start with some Family Fun Meetings.   Here is one idea:  have a craft event that recycles the end of the year greeting cards in one of three ways:  Make gift tags for next year by cutting parts of the cards, punching a hole for the tie.  Have each family member make a scrap-book page out of some of the cards.  Have each family member contribute to a Memory collage that to be or put in a Family Memories Scrap book.

Tip Three: For more tips my  How To Hold Successful Family Meetings is now available in print.

1481187317

If you buy it, please share a review.  And yes, there are lots of other resources about family meetings on the web, some free.  I think mine combines the best of knowledge from clinical and business gurus, but also in-the-trench parents including the many  wonderful parent advocates I worked with.  You know who you are. Thank you all.

STAY STRONG

If you do not hold regular family meetings, make doing so one of your New Years Resolution.  Even one family fun event meeting a month, with a bit of business is better than none.

THE USUAL STAYING STRONG HELP

First, here is my thank you gift if you have just started following me.   It is a free guide to the Daily Twelve Emotional Fitness Exercises. These are easy to learn, easy to practice and helpful to anyone dealing with life’s stresses and every day problems.

My book  Parents Are People Too: An Emotional Fitness Program for parents details all the exercises needed to get and stay emotionally strong.  All my other  books can be found on my  Amazon’s Author Page.

You can also follow me on the When Good Kids Do Bad Things Facebook page. If you go there please take a moment to like it.

Finally, You might find my Emotional Fitness Training’s Pinterest site helpful. Both of my blog posts are pinned there, and I also share people’s information that I think for help you stay strong both as a parent and an individual. Take a peek by clicking here.

As I tell myself a thousand times a day,  do not weaken, give lots of love to others and to yourself, be grateful, practice kindness, live now, give and seek forgiveness, and always hope  the blessing of the forces beyond our control are with you and those you love.

Katherine

DISCLAIMER: FORGIVE MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS FOR I HAVE DYSGRAPHIA.  If you need perfect posts, you will not find them here. I have dysgraphia which means that sometimes my sentence structure is not that easy to follow or I make other errors. Still, most people understand me. All of my books are professionally edited, but not all of my blog posts are.  If this troubles you, feel free to read elsewhere.  If you persevere, you are practicing kindness by lifting my spirits for that means you find what I say helpful and that is one of my missions. Kindness always repays those who spread it.

BE A FAMILY MEETING FAMILY

An edited re-blog. I remain on holiday schedule; I also know many of your might have missed this one; family meetings are an important parenting tool.

family-meeting-in-kitchen

The image is from the She Knows Blog  and comes with the following paragraphs:

You can lose sight of overarching goals if you don’t remind yourself of them regularly. By setting a regular family meeting, you’ll be able to get everyone together to talk about upcoming activities and events and to evaluate them in relation to the family goals.

Family meetings work best when they have a clear agenda. Prioritizing and planning activities should be a consistent agenda item,” says Dr. John Duffy, a clinical psychologist and author of The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens and Tweens. The more involvement and buy-in you have from your kids, the more success you’ll experience as a family.

You are, whether you know it or not, a family meeting family; every family is.  A meeting is any get together involving two people and at least one with an agenda.  Putting your three-year old to bed? That is a meeting.  When you share the same agenda all is more likely to go.  As most parents know agendas are not always shared. When agenda’s differ at the end of these little every day meetings one person feels, while  two or three people don’t.

That is called life.  You cannot please everyone all the time.  As was heard in the baseball movie, Bull Durham, “Some days you win, some days you lose and some days it rains.”  The trick is to accept bad feelings and stay in the game doing your best. Happens to every family member, every day; happens in most family meetings as well as other everyday meetings also.

The little meetings go lots better if the family meets regularly as a team to handle business and does so successfully.  Such meetings reduce parental  stress.  Moreover, such meetings prepare you and your children for handling life’s other meetings, but most importantly teach many important life lessons, including how to deal with not getting you way as well as strategies for getting your way.

Parenting Advice for conducting successful family meetings

Tip one:   Family meetings are a potent and powerful tool for parents, but only if successful and that is not always easily accomplished.  Here are the success tips I developed. Many are drawn from the business world.  Parents are leaders, managers, CEOs; the successful in that group I dub Power Leaders and I have learned much from them.

FMtip sheet

Tip two: The best place to start if you have not been holding regular family meetings is to start with some Family Fun Meetings.   Here is one idea:  have a craft event that re-cycle’s the end of the year greeting cards in one of three ways:  Make gift tags for next year by cutting parts of the cards, punching a hole for the tie.  Have each family member make a scrap-book page out of some of the cards.  Have each family member contribute to a Memory collage that to be or put in a Family Memories Scrap book.

Tip Three: For more tips my  How To Hold Successful Family Meetings is now available in print.

1481187317

If you buy it, please share a review.  And yes, there are lots of other resources about family meetings on the web, some free.  I think mine combines the best of knowledge from clinical and business gurus, but also in-the-trench parents including the many  wonderful parent advocates I worked with.  You know who you are. Thank you all.

STAY STRONG

If you do not hold regular family meetings, make doing so one of your New Years Resolution.  Even one family fun event meeting a month, with a bit of business is better than none.

THE USUAL STAYING STRONG HELP

First, here is my thank you gift if you have just started following me.   It is a free guide to the Daily Twelve Emotional Fitness Exercises. These are easy to learn, easy to practice and helpful to anyone dealing with life’s stresses and every day problems.

My book  Parents Are People Too: An Emotional Fitness Program for parents details all the exercises needed to get and stay emotionally strong.  All my other  books can be found on my  Amazon’s Author Page.

You can also follow me on the When Good Kids Do Bad Things Facebook page. If you go there please take a moment to like it.

Finally, You might find my Emotional Fitness Training’s Pinterest site helpful. Both of my blog posts are pinned there, and I also share people’s information that I think for help you stay strong both as a parent and an individual. Take a peek by clicking here.

As I tell myself a thousand times a day,  do not weaken, give lots of love to others and to yourself, be grateful, practice kindness, live now, give and seek forgiveness, and always hope  the blessing of the forces beyond our control are with you and those you love.

Katherine

DISCLAIMER: FORGIVE MY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS FOR I HAVE DYSGRAPHIA.  If you need perfect posts, you will not find them here. I have dysgraphia which means that sometimes my sentence structure is not that easy to follow or I make other errors. Still, most people understand me. All of my books are professionally edited, but not all of my blog posts are.  If this troubles you, feel free to read elsewhere.  If you persevere, you are practicing kindness by lifting my spirits for that means you find what I say helpful and that is one of my missions. Kindness always repays those who spread it.