EIGHT STEPS TO OBEDIENCE

The Step Up to Obedience Approach provides eight  disciplinary strategies that give the child lots of chances to obey, before a punishment happens.

Stepup

STEP ONE: STOP OR IGNORE .   IF DANGER EXISTS USE THE STOP PLAN   Here is how to use STOP:  Say the word STOP.  Say it loud, even angrily, TELL the child what to stop. OFFER an alternative more positive behavior. PHYSICALLY enforce compliance if necessary but always end with a positive once child has complied with your command.

Examples of the Stop Plan: “Stop; a car is coming, we will get the ball later. Thank you. ” or “Stop hurting your sister; use words instead. Thank you.” or  Stop spitting, use a tissue. Thank you.” or “Stop going through my purse, you need to earn your allowance if you want money. Thank you.

Forcing compliance must be done without leaving bruises or marks on the child. Leaving marks is “Assault and Battery” and can lead to charges of abuse.

If a child’s behavior cannot be stopped without leaving a mark, you and the child need outside help. Meanwhile, work to keep every one safe. If the child is doing something dangerous call 911.

The STOP Plan is also useful for those other times when behavior is totally  unacceptable, Use the STOP plan when a child is:

  •  In danger or putting others in danger,
  • Destroying valuable property,
  • Bullying another child or hurting a pet,
  • Doing something others would find disgusting,
  • Breaking the law.

 IF SAFETY IS NOT AN ISSUE OR THE BEHAVIOR NOT TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE,  TRY IGNORING.  When  the behavior does not need stopping immediately, consider ignoring.   Ignoring means not paying attention particularly to attention seeking behaviors or minor rule infractions.  Often given time, children self correct.  If the child does not self correct, then the next step is feedback.

STEP TWO: A STERN LOOK  Often all a child needs to self correct is a reminder. A Stern Look accompanies by shaking your head “No” often words. Then when the child self corrects you can praise or  just say “Thank You.

STEP THREE   FEED BACK – Feedback provides factual information about what is happening delivered in a calm, mater-of-fact voice.  This poster coach explains:

Feedback rulesFeedback is best used when compliance is optional or can be delayed.  When that is not the case and you want to deliver a message that suggests stopping try non-verbal scolding.

STEP FOUR: BROKEN RECORD.  Taught in assertive training, this simply involves repeating the last statement.  Broken Record can be used with Feedback and then again if you move up to  requesting obedience

 STEP FIVE:  ASK FOR OBEDIENCE.  Do so politely“Please remember our rules.”

STEP SIX: ANGRILY DEMAND OBEDIENCE.  Restart the rule angrily and add “I expect you to obey, now.”

STEP  SEVEN:  123 COUNT TO PUNISHMENT.  This provides the child with a final chance to avoid an agreed upon punishment.   When the child continues to resist abiding by the rule, say “One.” Continued disobedience gets a “Two.”  Three and a punishment is put into play.

STEP EIGHT: PUNISH.   The rules and punishments must be known before hand. Punishments should also be able to be enforced without the child’s consent. Taking away privilege—not being able to play with a special toy, loss of special time with a parent,  no dessert with dinner, loss of  television time, loss of  allowance, cell phone or computer time, and for a teenager taking away use of the family car are examples of privileges that can be removed.

Extra work is a punishment that requires the child to cooperate.  Extra work , however, is a good followup punishment and often useful to help a child prove he or she is willing to learn from the experience or make amends for misbehaving.Some parents take away holiday presents, birthday parties, vacations, visits with a parent who lives else where or visits with other treasured relatives.  These are not privileges but important ingredients in a child’s feeling cared for and must never be used as a punishment.

State the punishment using TAG. Here is how to put the TAG option into play.        T = Tell the child what  rule has been broken.  A =.Announce the agreed upon punishment. G = Give a positive and give the child responsibility.

Example:  The school called and said you cut three classes today. You cannot use the car until you do better. That means a week with no cuts.  You did better last week  I hope you can get your act together again  I know you like doing things the right way.  It is up to you.”

After announcing the punishment, end the conversation then and there.  If you must, get up and leave the room while saying something like “I don’t have time to discuss this further, you broke the rule, you know the punishment, I have more important things to do.”

All of this is much easier said than done.  So do the best you can and make sure you have lots of support. Following my Emotional Fitness Training blog provides support more frequently.

More may be needed.  When you have tried the above and it has not worked, more is needed. Next Parents Are People Too blog post. 

FREE  STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts and poster coaches for used in a blog post are being posted at the store so you can download them for free .

As I am a Jill of All and have family life, some things take longer than others to get posted.  If a poster  isn’t up  yet, you will find lots of other offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises.

LINKS OF INTEREST

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me. This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find the good.

Katherine

TIPS FOR KEEPING KIDS SAFE FROM SNEAKY HYPNOTISM

This ad drives me crazy. It represents one of the most prevalent uses of Sneaky Hypnotism on the media.  Ask a teen if s/he can spot the ad person’s tricks.

Experts need to create doubt about your ability to get by without their help.  Otherwise no one would seek their services.  Can you see how this one uses Sneaky Hypnotism to do that?

By using a  child asking super smart questions to creates doubt in the father about his smarts, and in viewing adults about their smarts.  Doubt makes you pay closer attention.

Then, of course, the ad intends to create worry about the future, specifically a family’s financial security.  Worry draws you in.

The very use of the word Expert is also  hypnotizing. Many people claim to be experts and are mainly expert at selling you something.

Finally, the motto “Own your tomorrow” points to the future.  As this EFTI post about day dreaming discusses, thinking about the future, often  pulls a person Parenting tip three: into a  trance state..

Parenting tips

Parenting tip  one:   Increase your child’s awareness of Sneaky Hypnotist’s  tricks.  Using the media as I do in this post works well with teens.

Parenting tip two: Learn all you can about hypnotism.  Knowledge is power. That is  why I have made this month Sneaky Hypnotism Month on my EFT blog. Here’s one of those posts.  It is a Sneaky Hypnotist ploy on my part.

Parenting tip three: Find an ethical hypnotist to teach you and your child self-hypnotism.  Here’s a WIKI HOW SCRIPT LINK to start you off.

Parenting tip four:  Embed this message in your self-hypnosis script: “I control when I go into a trance. When in a trance, I do nothing that will harm me or others.  I do nothing I will regret later.  

Parenting tip five: Watch the ads, as I do, but with your child and comment on  Sneaky Hypnotist tricks. Doing so improves your child’s awareness of who or what thoughts are trying to control others mindlessly.

IMPROVE YOUR THINKING SKILLS

Apply this WordPress daily prompt to today’s post. Two Right Feet – What are the things you need to do within 30 minutes of waking up to ensure your day gets off on the right foot? What happened the last time you didn’t do one of these things?

See my answer at the bottom of this post.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Keep working to stay strong, I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult, relationships painful, dreams lost. Staying strong and practicing the Daily Twelve Emotional Fitness Exercises keeps me better able to practice deliberate kindness.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

FREE POSTER COACHES 

Don’t think you can afford a life coach? Like a live coach, EFTI’s poster coaches inspire, teach, motivate, and reinforce thinking about what matters.  To use, print up in color and post there it will be seen often.  Poster Coaches can also be used at  Family Meeting. For example, this is one of the most popular and can be used during check in at family meetings:

A Feeling thermometer

MY ANSWER TO IMPROVE YOUR THINKING SKILLS  PROMPT –  Two right feet.   Honest hypnotism helps you start the day right. When I wake up I use two EFTI exercises which admittedly are designed to superuser you of the value of my exercises. The two exercises I start the day with are always Practicing Gratitude and Remembering What Matters.

Stay strong, it takes work but EFT makes it easier

 

THE ABC’S OF DISCIPLINE

This is from  my newest Parenting E-book which I am editing. It started as a course I gave to NYC parents charged with child abuse.

           Every child born, has innate goodness.  Chinese Proverb

All the best research shows discipline is important in helping a child do what is right.   Discipline teaches obedience, respect for authority, social skills, and self-control.  Learning to abide by society’s reasonable rules is an important step in developing a sense of being a good person.

This session examines the ABC’s of discipline. The following definitions of discipline are useful for the purposes of this training:

  1. Training to act in accordance with rules.
  2. Activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill.
  3. Punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

Parents and care givers are responsible for seeing that children learn what is necessary to move ahead in the world outside the family.  This requires learning to obey reasonable rules.  Those who interact daily with children are responsible for providing a regimen that develops obedience to reasonable rules.  Finally, parents and care givers punish children when children do not follow rules.

Parents and care givers are responsible for seeing that children learn what is necessary to move ahead in the world outside the family.  This requires learning to obey reasonable rules.  Those who interact daily with children are responsible for providing a regimen that develops obedience to reasonable rules.

A WORD OR TWO ABOUT PUNISHMENT

One school of parenting advice rants against the idea of punishment.  This schools prefers to  focus on  rewarding proper behavior.  Another school of disagrees.  There is some right in both stances.

Punishment is defined as pain inflicted after behavior for the purpose of changing or shaping that behavior.  Rewards are defined as something pleasant or desirable given after behavior for the purpose of changing or shaping that behavior.

According to these definitions, not giving a reward is a punishment. You punish whether you intend to or not.  At the same time, harsh physical punishments are more harmful than helpful.

The path between these two approaches is most likely to lead to success.  The following rules of discipline help you walk that path.

THE eight RULES OF DISCIPLINE

Rule number one:  understand why children do not obey.  Children fail to obey most often for the following reasons

  •  The child cannot obey.
  • Not obeying is more rewarding than obeying
  • Not obeying feels more powerful than obeying
  • Not obeying gets rid of anger and resentment

Other reasons children do not obey the rules include:

  • Children don’t get enough caring to care what adults want
  • Children do not know the rules
  • Children don’t understand the rules
  • Grown-ups enforce rules only some of the time
  • Grown-ups don’t follow the rules

Rule number two:  if you expect the child follow the rules, you must follow the rules.   When disciplining a child, adults must remember children pay more attention to what we do than to what we say.   Besides if you can’t obey the rule, why is it important for the child.  Some rules are more important for children to obey because children do not have the skills and judgment an adult has.  For the most important rules, however, if you cannot model them for a child, do not expect the to abide by them.

Rule number three:  remember Age and Stage.  Discipline strategies that work for a toddler do not work for a two-year old.  Five year olds need a different approach to punishment then ten-year olds and ten-year olds need different punishments than a sixteen year old youth.

  •  Babies must never be punished.  Babies do need to be regularly fed, played with, helped to develop healthy ways to self soothe, and helped to gradually learn to sleep through the night.
  • Toddlers need to learn the meaning of “No.” This starts by consistently saying “No” and taking gentle action to stop the child from doing the forbidden.  Rules for this age should be designed to keep the toddler safe, to keep the toddler from destroying property or harming others including animals. Time outs should be in a loving adults lap, short, just repeating “No” and then directing the child to a more positive behavior.
  • When a child has his or her first temper tantrum take the child to a time out space so her or she can calm down. Even when the tantrum occurs in a store or public place, the child can be placed in time out against a wall until the tantrum is over.  A tantrum should not be given into.  When the child has calmed down have the child stay in timeout for one minute for each year of his or her age.  Then have child apologize for behavior (just saying the word “Sorry” will do at the beginning, but by the age of four or five the child should be able to say what he or she did that was wrong and be taught how to apologise properly.  Once the child has apologized,  hug the child.
  • By the time a child can read, he or she can be expected to help around the house.  This should begin in as the child walks with ease. Chores a child that age can do:  putting toys away, placing dirty clothes in the hamper, helping put trash in the trash canTime out combined with rewards remains the best form of discipline. Allowance can be as the child enters school.  Most of an allowance should be earned, but some should always be given just for love.
  • Teenagers need to be set free to learn from life.  Natural consequences are the best form of discipline for a teenager.   What is a natural consequence?  A teen that does not get up on time in the morning will be late for school.  A child who is late for school is at danger of being given detention.  A child who gets too many detentions will not pass and will have to go to summer school. Loaa of privileges, however can and should be part of a teen’s world for violating parental rules.

Rule number four:  remember the child’s challenges.  While all children are challenging, some face extra challenges. Parents/caregivers of challenged children need to know exactly what it is fair to expect of their child.  What is the child’s emotional age?  Is a sixteen year old really only able to think like a ten year old?

Rule number five:  enforce reasonable rules reasonably.  Knowing the expectations for age and stage and the challenges facing a particular child, help with setting reasonable rules.   The most effective discipline involves a careful and consistent use of rewarding proper behavior and punishing unacceptable behavior.

Think about how almost every toddler in the world learns not to run into the street and does so fairly quickly.  How does that happen?   Because all adults run to catch a child running toward the street and let the child know in one way or another that is not allowed.   Such behavior often gets the child’s padded=behind swatted and even by parents how have vowed never to hit a child. However,  caring parents reinforce safe behavior by holding their toddler’s hand at street crossings and talking  about keeping safe.  

Simple rules, clearly stated, and consistently held to create obedience. Four rules  cover almost every form of unacceptable behavior. Here they are:

  • Respect self
  • Respect others
  • Respect property
  • Respect the law

These are rules all but the most challenged child can learn to follow.  Here are disciplining comments that show how to apply the four rule:

   Respect self

  •  “Take care of yourself; wash your hands before eating.”
  • “Take care of yourself, eat healthy.”
  • “Take care of yourself, stay safe.”
  • “Take care of yourself, don’t let others hurt you.”
  • “Take care of yourself, stay out of trouble.”
  • “Respect yourself, do the right thing.”
  • “Respect yourself; don’t say things you will regret later.”

    Respect others

  •  “Respect others, take turns.”
  • “Respect others, don’t gossip.”
  • “Respect others; say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you.’”
  • “Respect others, don’t call names.”
  • “Respect others, keep your language clean.”
  • “Respect others; don’t talk when others are talking.”
  • Respect others; keep your hands to yourself.” “

    Respect property

  •  “Respect property, don’t break your toys.”
  • “Respect property, don’t write on the wall.”
  • “Respect property, put your toys away.
  • “Respect property, things neat and clean“

     Respect the law

  •  “Respect the law, cross when the light is green,”
  •  “Respect the law, don’t take what does not belong to you.”
  • “Respect the law, don’t fight physically unless the other person physically attacks you first and you can’t get away.”

Rule number six:  reward more than you punish.  Relationship experts have shown that a five to one ration of good  to bad interactions keeps relationships positive.

Children deal with the reverse ratio.  This is particularly true for children who are challenged or challenging.  These generally get more negative than positive attention, so make sure you over dose  rewards.   This may sound hard, but it can be done.  Here are some ideas:

  •  Smiling at your child with love in your heart  as often as you can.
  • Having “Tea and sympathy” time to just focus on hearing the child.
  • Having a cookies and milk time as a night time ritual, no matter how bad the day.
  • Saying thank you for every thing your child does that is helpful or showing effort.
  • Giving small “Just because I thought of you gifts.” Smiling at your child with love in your heart and eyes as often as you can
  • Giving small “Just because I thought of you gifts.”
  • Having favorite comfort food for dinner when a child has had a Bad Luck Day.
  • Giving occasional freedom from a chore again “Just because I care.”
  • Giving out “I am proud of you notes.”
  • Having part of the child’s allowance be a love allowance. Allowances are important behavior rewards and not earning allowance is a useful punishments. Giving a generous allowance tied to good behavior teaches important lesions.  Giving a small “Just because I love you” teaches an equally important message.

Rule number seven: discipline with love not anger.  When we are disciplinarians, when we punish a child, we should be driven by love, not anger.  We need to hold to our faith that our children want to do what is right, just as we do.  As we have learned the value of treating others as we want to be treated, of being honest, of trying to make the world a more just place for all, so will our children.

On the path to learning the lessons we have learned, our children will make mistakes.  It will help if our attitude toward those mistakes remains faith in every child’s ability to eventually learn what needs to be learned.

Rule number eight:  Admit when you blow it and sooner or later you will blow it.  When you can apologize properly you are teaching your child to apologize. Being able to let others know you regret how you behaved is an important life skill. Best is to catch yourself blowing and begin the CARE Plan.

C = Confronting unacceptable behavior. When you blow, it generally is because your last nerve has been stepped on.  Usually, you blow loudly and then realize you have lost it. 

A = Allying with the child. Take a calming breath, remind yourself, the child is a child. 

R = Review what was not acceptable. Ask the child if  s/he knows what lead to your losing your cool. This is a major step as children often stop listening once we yell and go into a defensive shutdown.   The younger the child, the more likely s/he will not know what happened. For children who cannot yet read, if they cannot answer, answer for them.  Be brief. One sentence should do it. “You didn’t stop when I asked you to.”  “You were hurting your sister.” For older children and particularly teens if they know what behavior of theirs upset you, go to the next step. If they answer incorrectly ask again, give them three chances to come up with what they did and then tell them. 

E = Expect improvement and end on a positive note.  With the pre-school child, ask if they are going to try harder to do what is right.  When they agree. Thank them and give a hug.  If they are not ready to agree, have them sit in time out until, they are ready to “Try harder to follow the rule.” Then give a hug.

With the school age children and teens, expect they will accept the agreed upon punishment and then offer faith that they will keep trying to do better, and offer a bit of sympathy about having to follow rules.

It also helps to do some direct teaching about apologizing. This poster coach provides all anyone needs to know to apologize properly.

Emotional Fitness Training Skill Building Poster

Next up:  Eight steps to obediance . Parents need a many ways to discipline.  The use of one method only is simply not effective.  Some behaviors need to be stopped immediately, others can be ignored, others can be responded to gently at first in order to allow the child choice.

FREE  STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts and poster coaches for used in a blog post are being posted at the store so you can download them for free .

As I am a Jill of All and have family life, some things take longer than others to get posted.  If a poster  isn’t up  yet, you will find lots of other offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises.

LINKS OF INTEREST

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me. This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find the good.

Katherine

STOP PLAN KEEPS KIDS SAFER

Thinking before acting is the Emotional Fitness aka Emotional Intelligence game plan. The first thing to think about is safety. This EFT Poster Coach says it all.

When to call 911

This is a reblog of Emotional Fitness’s Free 101 Course. Session Fifteen If you haven’t started the course at the beginning, do so now. Here is session one followed by the others. 

PARENTING TIP

Tip one:  When danger looms, kids need to STOP.  So here is another poster coach to help with that. It can be taught as soon as a child can talk a bit.

THE STOP PLAN

 

Also works when adults are acting like kids and stepping on your last nerve.

WHAT’S NEXT

Next focus will be on how to think clearly instead as your emotions dictate. Heart or head, intuition (gut) or brain.

POST INSPIRATION: DAILY PROMPT

I often use these prompts to spark my posts.  They work to improve  critical thinking which is the heart of emotional intelligence. Critical thinking is about thinking more deeply and ruling out some common thinking errors.

You can think about the prompts  as stated or use them to spark other thoughts which is what I usually do. If I put on my thinking cap the prompts can be related to Emotional Fitness. Here’s how I did that for this post.

DAILY PROMPT   The Spice of Success – If “failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor” (Truman Capote), how spicy do you like your success stories?

How this relates to emotional fitness and today’s post:  Success requires some risk.  Risk is a heady spice luring you into taking chances, rewarding you with the high of surviving, if you survive. The middle road works best.

MORE FREE  STUFF FROM EFTI

All the handouts and poster coaches for this course are being posted at the store so you can download them for free  (Handouts are in Black and White while Poster Coaches are in color.)

Some might not be up yet.  I am a Jill of all in this business, so some things take longer than others.  If a handout isn’t posted yet, you will find lots of other offerings including inspirational quotes or more EFTI exercises.

LINKS OF INTEREST

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me ratings. This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find the good.

Katherine