GREAT EXPECTATIONS? GOOD OR BAD?

“You can do anything you want if you just want it enough” saying cranked me up as a parent and continues to as I age.  Hogwash. Not #emotionalintelligence. Expectation is the root of all heatache.

No matter what the experts say, you cannot have it all.

Parenting advice

Children do best when helped to hold realistic expectations about themselves and about others.  That is one of the main sources of emotional intelligence. How to get your child  there? Here are three tips.

Parenting tip one:  Get you own expectations in order. New parents are always shocked by how fast the bubble of bliss breaks.  Then come the parents whose bubble of competence bursts when a kid turn on them when puberty sets in.  False expectations working.

Parenting is hard work and angst combined with laughs, play, and good times.  Moreover, all society promotes the idea that if a parent does it right all will be right. Hah. Humbug.  Parents do not control all. Live with a colicky baby or a teen in love with the baddest other kid in town and you know what I mean.

Parenting tip two: Assume responsibility for your own happiness. I am a parent watcher and mostly in my treks around town see stay-at-home parents.  Great when they are obviously happy with their lot. Not so hot when resentful.

Saw three mothers yesterday at the swimming pool. One was taking delight in her child’s playing; one was engrossed in her smart phone, but did look up fairly often and smile happily when her child came to her for something; the other was stretched out on a lounger with a towel  over her face, when it started to rain, her kids had to wake her up.  She got up grumpily. Lit a cigarette and gathered her posssessions without a word to her kids.

Maybe she was having sweet dreams, but she was sending a harmful message.   She needs to get happy. Minimally,  to do what the second woman does, but not to konk out.

And yes, I understand, maybe she  worked the night shift;  still, her face and her child’s face showed no warmth for each other and that is hurtful. Better to spend a little bit of happy time together and more time apart then being miserable most of the time together.

And maybe she was a hired care taker.  If that is the case, the unhappiness  worries me also.

Parenting tip three: Remember age and stage. Preschool aged children  live on feelings – a day-dream that feels good is as good as reality. School age kids have a better sense of reality. When adolescence approaches reality becomes clearer.  What to do?

At every stage label fantasy, “Nice, but not real.” Label dreams dreams by saying, “Work hard, and wish for the best.”

Comment  off and on once kids can read  that good happens, bad happens, some things go as planned, something don’t go as planned and part of being emotionally strong is learning to roll with what life gives you.

Parenting tip four:  Learn and teach your child how to get past the bad times and develop a strong protective armor particularly for smaller hurts. I was raised to ignore someone else’s nasty words if sent my way. Saved me a lot of angst.

Two of my eBooks focus  on these skills. Self-soothing and Missions and Goals.  Remember all my eBooks cost less than a latte and provide longer lasting nourishment for your emotional intelligence.

Parenting tip five: Develop a Daily Emotional Fitness Program and practice it with your child. Go here some of for  EFT’s Easy Exercises.  See this Free EFTI poster for some other exercises. 

!2 Easy Emotional Fitness Poster

STAY STRONG

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment. Sharing is caring.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this  DAILY PROMPT: 190 Days Later -Back on January 21st, we asked you to predict what day #211 would be like. Well, July 30th is that day — how have your predictions held up so far? If you didn’t reply to the prompt at the time, is this year turning out to be as you’d expected?

My answer, I try hard to keep my expectations realistic. Not easy and the fact is expecting a bit more than I can do stretches me; but expecting too much frustrates.  As I age, I tend to think I am younger than I am and do expect more than is reasonable. No exception in my hopes for this year. That said, I am still on track for some of my goals and hoping to have a bit of luck to meet the important ones.

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TEACHING PEACE

An #emotionalintelliegence boosting tip for #parents.  Teach #peace not hate.

You've got to be taught to hate.

This post inspired by this Word Press Daily Prompt: Music Marker We all have songs that remind us of specific periods and events in our lives. Twenty years from now, which song will remind you of the summer of 2014?   See the above.

 PARENTING TIPS

Hate is a sign of weak #emotionalintelligence.  Parents who teach hate to children fail all. If supported by the media or culture all are endangered.

First parent tip: Purge your heart of hatred. Not as hard as you think providing you accept that all people do the best they can given the lessons they have been  taught by life and parents and others.  Learn EFTI’s  emotional intelligence boosting Three Steps to Forgiveness Exercise.

Second parent tip: Be alert to media messages promoting hate.  These can be as subtle as sports fans yelling “Kill the umpire” or as strong as calls for “Death to the infidel.”

Third parent tip: Encourage your pre-teen and teenager’s critical thinking skills.  These skills are the core components of emotional intelligence. Use the media, use advertizements, use their favorite songs. Teach them fact checking.  Ask questions about the messages. Do so with an open heart.  A growing mind is a garden to be carefully tended.

Fourth parent tip:  Start teaching manners as soon as your child starts talking. Manners promote respect and respect promotes peace.

Fifth parent tip: Punish aggressive behavior that possessively seeks to hurt others living creatures.   Proper punishment is not abuse, but a tool to teach self discipline, another essential emotional intelligence skill.

Sixth parent tip: Teach the art of self defense.  Search out a Peace DoJo. Not all want peace, children need to know how to stand strong against bullies.

STAY STRONG

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

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Image by Emotional Fitness Training Inc.

TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO DEAL WITH UNCERTAINTY

Strengthening your child’s ability  to deal with uncertainty is the best preparation for the real world.

Life's hard, grow up

The Mom is trying to control the future and her  child is seeks to “Live now.”  A common conflict.

Both Mom and Child are trying to control. Conflicting goals, conflicting understanding, and a common parent/child communication failure.

Conflicts create uncertainty and  spur the need to control. but are better used to encourage thought as well as to deal with what cannot be controlled.

understanding uncertainty in general

Once survival is assured,  human behavior is driven by the wish to be certain and to control. Every human being wants  a predictable world and to feel in control. The more control, the more peace of mind, but when uncertainty grows, anxiety grows.  Not feeling in control intensifies conflict and creates greater uncertainty

Here is a brute fact most want to avoid.  Personal control is limited;  the real world is not predictable. Some people win the lottery, some go bankrupt.   Disease ravages some, avoids others. Lightening strikes one person, while harmlessly missing another. Some people escape terrible accidents; others die from a simple slip and fall.  Doing all the right things does not prevent bad things from happening.

We control somethings, but not others. We don’t direct lightening strikes. Disease comes unbidden. We all age and die. These are brute facts and cause mega doses of uncertainty and pain for all.

Much of our emotional life is a quest to live at peace with the uncertainties of life and what we do not control.  Without necessarily understanding that as a life goal, we still want the same for our children.

Understanding how PEOPLE  deal with uncertainty

Jerome Kagan,  Harvard researcher  points out that there are four ways humans tend to resolve uncertainty. They are:

  1. Ignoring any source creating doubt.  Think of people not watching news or not learning the ins and outs of the internet.
  2.  Angry blaming of anyone or anything creating doubt.  Think of throwing a smart phone across the room because it makes you feel dumb. Think of prejudices particularly against religions do not believe as you do.
  3. Blaming yourself and thinking you are incompetent or stupid.  Think of the throwing the Smart phone across the room and then getting depressed for being so dumb.  Then think of feeling dumb because a seven-year old can operate your new Smart phone and you cannot. Religions foster uncertainty by the belief bad things happen as punishments of individual or group sins.
  4. Despair and giving up on large and small tasks.  Think of going back to a land line because you don’t think you can learn to use a Smart Phone.  Think of deciding peace on earth is not possible.

tiPS  FOR HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH UNCERTAINTy

Tip one: Explore how you deal with uncertainty?  The more we understand ourselves and how we react to things like uncertainty, the more we can control those reactions.

Tip two: Always ask when conflict develops, what uncertainties are operating.  Who is feeling out of control and why?

Tip three: As always know your child’s temperament. Shy children and sensitive children will have more difficulty dealing with uncertainty than a bold, active child.

Tip four: Encourage “not knowing everything” as natural and a cause for thinking more or learning more. Freely admit what you don’t know. Also, state when  something cannot be known. If you don’t know something that your child asks use and can be looked up,look it up together. .

Tip five: Encourage reality based thinking.  Label fantasy, “Nice, but not real.” Label hope as “work hard, and wish for the best.”

Tip six: Admit  life is unpredictable.  Comment  off and on, that good happens, bad happens, some things go as planned, something don’t go as planned and part of being emotionally strong is learning to roll with what life gives you.

Tip seven:  Develop a Daily Emotional Fitness Program and practice it with your child. Go here some of for  EFT’s Easy Exercises.  See this Free EFTI poster for some other exercises. 

!2 Easy Emotional Fitness Poster

Tip seven: Encourage starring in life, which is something all can do if they know what really matters. Make sure your life reflects what matters and that is being  being fair, kind,  and caring for ALL you meet. Comment when you see someone caring for others; praise your child for their acts of kindness.

STAY STRONG

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this  DAILY PROMPT;  Adult Visions – As a kid, you must have imagined what it was like to be an adult. Now that you’re a grownup (or becoming one), how far off was your idea of adult life?

The year,  I graduated from college I went to twenty weddings between the beginning of June and the end of August. Being grownup to my generation of women meant going to college to get your MRS, nothing more.  I was not one of the ones getting married. I married when I was 34.  My unmarried years, and the years since have all been lessons in dealing with uncertainty.  I have been lucky to grow stronger and to find my life although different than I imagined amazing.

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Learning Love of All

Love and hate are learned. What do you teach your children?  I teach love.  I also teach the right to defend yourself when physically attacked. But love is first.

You've got to be taught to hate.

Parenting thoughts and tips

Human nature is such that we fear what is different.  If that fear gets linked to  individual hurts that are  internal one, hatred brews. Here are five common  examples of what I mean by internal hurts.

  1. You judge yourself as less smart, less strong, less talented than a person of difference.
  2. You have less wealth than a person of a difference.
  3. Your view of your higher power is challenged by theirs.
  4. A person of difference beats you in a race, a game.
  5. A person of difference seems more respected by others than you feel respect you.

Hatred brews more easily when the voices around you promote hatred and join hands with your personal hurt. The more voices preaching hate, the easier it is to justify your hate.

Some cultures raise their children on hatred of difference. Some do it directly.  Go here to see  what one group teaches its children. Others do it less directly. How? Think of any group that says those who believe differently are damned and doomed to spend eternity in hell. Also think of media messages that promote competition or divisiveness.

I think of the Long Island Railroad mass killer Colin Ferguson as someone whose hatred festered because of failed dreams, personal hurts, the slings and arrows of thoughtless other people, and of the preachings of hatred. Born in Jamicae he came to the USA expecting to find great success, freedom and tolerance. He did not find success, he found racism, and heard the preachings of hate groups. It is a testimony to the goodness of most people that meeting with the same conditions, they do not turn murderous.

What can a parent do to foster tolerance?

  1. Root out prejudice in your heart.
  2. Root out prejudice in your family
  3. Root out prejudice in your religion
  4. Root out prejudice in you country.
  5. Teach your children critical thinking skills.

To remind yourself of the importance of learning love, download todays free  poster coach about learning love and post it where you and your children will see it.

Stay strong

The more you have been taught to hate, the harder it will be to learn love and to teach your children to let go of the hatred of difference.  Nevertheless, if your children are going to survive and enjoy a good life, the world must learn love.  Make working to teach love one of your life’s missions.  Improving your self soothing skills will also help.

Thank you for all you do, enjoy and be grateful for all you have been given, practice kindness, like, share or comment.

Katherine

WORD PRESS DAILY PROMPT

This post relates to this DAILY PROMPT : Object Lesson – Sherlock Holmes had his pipe. Dorothy had her red shoes. Batman had his Batmobile. If we asked your friends what object they most immediately associate with you, what would they answer?

I would hope mine would be the peace symbol.

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 IMAGE BY Emotional Fitness Training, Inc.  Free download.