SIX TIPS TO BOOST YOUR CHILD’S PAIN TOLERANCE

Trying to keep your kids happy? Stop. Kids know how to be happy. What they need to learn is how to deal with suffering  and to move on without bitterness.

To get the good, you need to endure the pain

With all the emphasis on happiness circulating around those dispensing advice to parents, pain tolerance is neglected. Not good.  How do you build pain tolerance in your children? Here are six  parenting tips that will help.

Parenting tip one: Self-soothing is an essential skill when it comes to enduring life’s slings and arrows. Self-soothing skills can be taught at any age, but when teaching, remember age and stage. Infants need to learn the ABC’s of self’-soothing.  That is done by not rushing to comfort. Sleep is the best time to ignore cries for help. Most night-time criers will cry themselves to sleep or back to sleep and wake up happy and cheerful. 

Parenting tip two: Teach pain rating skills, start by teaching the child to rate  physical pains can begin as soon as the child learns to walk and talk. Applaud tumbles when the child gets up and goes on. But if the child cries rate the pain for the child. Here is a useful rating scale:

  • Immobilized by pain and cannot even come to you for comfort say, “Big, big pain.”
  • Rushes to you and has a hard time calming down, say, “Big Pain.”
  • Calms down easily once in your lap, say, “Middle-size Pain.”
  • Stops crying without coming to you  say, “Small Pain.”

As the pain decreases note “Pain getting smaller” and then “Pain  gone.”

Parenting tip three: When the child can talk fairly well teach Calming Breath .  See this Breathing Buddies link.  Add lots of other self soothing skills particularly Remember What Matters.  See the link to Creating Calm for more suggestions. 

Parenting tip four: By the time a child enters school, you can talk more about learning to understand and tolerate pain.   Use the Porcupine story  to teach  that  hurt is part of all relationships. As pain can lead to the desire to hurt others, it is also important to teach making amends and forgiveness. 

Parenting tip five: Teach teens the art of winning Gotcha Wars.  That means you need to learn that art. See the link for my book of the same name.

Parenting tip six: Get your child self-defense training. FTolearating pain and forgiving others  does not mean allowing abuse. Moreover, self-defense boosts self-confidence.  Take family lessons. Best resource for this:   Peace Jojos.

 As always you need to model what you teach. Bad news? Not really for by teaching these skills strengthens them.  As you teach your child, you will increase your ability to tolerate pain and add to your ability to enjoy the good.

STAY STRONG

Another way to survive the pricks of close relationships is to follow the Five in One Rule. That rule? For every prick there must be five kisses or the equivalent of kisses.   And as always abuse cannot be tolerated.

If you are new to the idea of emotional fitness exercises visit this blog page: Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises to get started  improving your emotional intelligence.

Thank you all for all you do to care and share with others. Doing a little matters a lot.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

DAILY POST CRITICAL THINKING EXERCISE

I use these prompt  ideas to think about what to write.  If I know what I am going to write, the prompts challenge me to see if what I wrote fits in with the prompt.

Here’s this post’s prompt. Third From the Top: Head to “Blogs I Follow” in the Reader. Scroll down to the third post in the list. Take the third sentence in the post, and work it into your own.

The laughs on the Daily Prompt for the third post was just a picture as for many bloggers it is Wordless Wednesdays and only pictures are posted.

I hadn’t heard of Wordless Wednesdays, but now I know and I will now declare some posts as  .  Not this one, but I did work a picture into it via a Poster Coach. Of course Poster Coaches are not wordless, but will  work for me, when I do not have time to post.

 

LAUGH AND TEACH

A parent? You need to laugh, first at yourself, then with your child,  and sometimes at life. You also need to cry when crying helps. First some humor:

New Parent

Laughing keeps all strong, but when you can’t laugh, it is a sure sign things are bad. Some talk about the “Day the music died,” but laugher dies it is also a clear sign of trauma or a life-blow.

For new parents such times run from the terrible – the baby is still-born or seriously handicapped to the smaller and quick recover times such as exhaustion has you by its teeth. One takes a lifetime to deal with; the other a good night’s sleep.

PARENTING ADVICE

Knowing the difference between the everyday ups and downs of life and trauma of life blows is a major step in maintaining perspective.  Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Therapy, speaks of the tendency of all humans to “Awfulize” Think of the teenager who has one zit, no one notices, but refuses to leave the house in fear his or her life will be ruined.

Embed  in your brain, the capacity to sort out mundane hurt from life blows.  Rating skills help. This poster coach shows how to rate anything. The more you can rate your bad, mad, or sad feelings, the less likely you will awfulize the trivial.

Rating scale poster

How to practice  Emotional Fitness Training’s Rating Exercise: Every time you feel tempted to complain, rate the complaint: Trivial is one; Life Changing trauma is ten. Hurts but not for long is five.

TEACHING RATING SKILLS

Rating scales can be taught to a child as soon as he or she begins toddling. Rate the bumps and bruises that go along with learning to walk with one of these phases:

  1. Big hurt if the child is crying inconsolably.
  2. Smaller hurt for small weeping moments.
  3. Tiny hurt for when child complains but seems able to comfort self.

For the big hurts, keep saying “Big Hurt” as you comfort the child.  For big and Smaller hurts when the child stops crying, smile, hug,  and say “Good job.”

For tiny hurts, ignore or say “Tiny Hurt, well handled.”

By the time a child is beginning to read, you can help him or her make a personal feeling thermometer.  Read this to learn How to Create a Personal Feeling Thermometer

As the teen years approach, have conversations about what matters with your child. Knowing what matters reduces pain. Family meetings are good for doing that. Don’t hold Family Meetings?  Get my book How to Hold Successful Family Meetings.  Well run family business meetings strengthen kids, give them important life skills and are stress reducing skills for all parents.

 THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO

Remember’s sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness now is to share this post with someone who will find it inspiring.  Thank you.

Katherine

LINKS OF INTEREST

 FREE POSTER COACHES 

Like any coach, EFTI’s poster coaches inspire, teach, motivate, and reinforce thinking about what matters.  To use, print up in color and post there it will be seen often.  Poster Coaches can also be used at  Family Meetings to start a discussion about what matters.

DAILY PROMPT

Ha Ha Ha Tell us a joke! Knock-knock joke, long story with an unexpected punchline, great zinger — all jokes are welcome!

The post says it all.

SIX TIPS FOR MAKING THINGS RIGHT

Children get hurt and rush for a hug or a cuddle. Helpful, but hugs do always help, particularly as the child becomes a teen; then knowing what matters does.

To get the good, you need to endure the pain

Parenting tips

Parenting tip one: Self-soothing is an essential skill when it comes to enduring life’s slings and arrows.

When teaching, remember age and stage. Infants need to learn the ABC’s of self’-soothing.  That is done by not rushing to comfort. Sleep is the best time to ignore cries for help. Most night-time criers will cry themselves to sleep or back to sleep and wake up happy and cheerful.  

When language develops more direct teaching can begin.  Teaching Calming Breath starts the process.  See the Breathing Buddies link below.

Parenting tip two:  Learning to rate physical pains can begin as soon as the child is learning to walk and talk. Applaud tumbles when the child gets up and goes on. But if the child cries rate the pain for the child. Here is a useful rating scale:

  • Immobilized by pain and cannot even come to you for comfort say =  Very Big Pain
  • Rushes to you, but has a hard time calming down, say = Big Pain
  • Calms down easily once in your lap, say  = Middle-size Pain.
  • Stops crying as soon as in your lap, say  =  Small Pain

As the pain decreases note “Pain getting smaller.”

Parenting tip three: By the time a child enters school you can start teaching that life brings pain and learning to tolerate pain matters.  Start by teaching what matters most on getting to the good life; that means  teaching the Golden Rule in one of its many variations.

Parenting tip four: As pain can lead to anger and the wish to hurt others, teach how to vent anger without hitting out. 

Abuse cannot be  tolerated. Learning to defend yourself as the karate teaching Peace Dojo‘s do stops abuse.  Their way channels anger onto positive paths while strengthening a child’s ability to defend against those who attack physically. Good for all in the family. 

Parenting tip five: Teach making amends, forgiveness and letting to.  

Parenting tip six:  Teach and follow the Five in One Rule. That rule? For every prick there must be five kisses or the equivalent of kisses.

 LINKS OF INTEREST

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me. This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find the good.

Katherine

THIS DAILY POST PROMPT INSPIRED THIS POST

 Set It To Rights by Michelle W: Think of a time you let something slide, only for it to eat away at you later. Tell us how you’d fix it today.

WHAT PARENTS NEED TO KNOW A MIDDLE CHILD – SIX TIPS

Recently, some were celebrating Middle Child Day. I am waiting to celebrate “The Youngest Child” day. Birth order matters. First a joke   for middle children.

middle-child-day

Thank you minidovecomics.wordpress.com for this cartoon.

Of course, stealing the car can get you in trouble, but often is what middle children think they need to do to get attention. Explains some bad behavior of good kids.

PARENTING tips

Parenting tip one: Visit some of the links to learn what the experts think about middle children.  If you are a middle child does the information ring a bell with you? If you are not a middle child, but the parent of one, does the information ring a bell with you?

Parenting tip two:  Remember, all research and all advice applies only to some people some of the time.  That means you have to tailor both and experiment to find our what works for you and your child.

Parenting tip three: Seek out the good parts of being a middle child and emphasize that. 

Parenting tip four: Know what is bad about sbout being a middle child;  acknowledge and  sympathize with that. 

Parenting tip five:  Give each child time alone with you and that child’ other parent. Strengthens both your love and emotional fitness.

Parenting tip six: Read the links.  

LINKS OF INTEREST

PRACTICE KINDNESS

Please rate this material. Doing so helps me. This is what your stars will mean to me. No stars – Not helpful; One star – Reinforced my knowledge –  Two Stars; New information –  Three stars;  New useful information; Four stars – Very good; Five stars – Excellent.

Thank you and work at staying strong until next time,. I work hard to do the same as life is often difficult but staying strong lets me find the good.

Katherine

Daily Post Prompt as related to this post

DAILY PROMPT Just a Dream You’re having a nightmare, and have to choose between three doors. Pick one, and tell us about what you find on the other side.

Obviously, today I picked the middle door.

Thinking more about parenthood, there are many nightmares, but mostly just that bad times that come and go like bad dreams, so stay strong. How? Wait the bad times out, enjoy the good ones, laugh and play as much as you can with all your children.